auld lang syne

Here's to another year. Another year of I want to and I hope to and I will.  Maybe this year, i'll start writing that book. Maybe I'll go back to school. Maybe I won't date every sucker that expresses interest in me. Maybe I'll stop wasting my time on potential and start giving my time to those who deserve it. 

Last year I spent New Years with a guy, just me and him. I thought it was nice. He fell asleep before midnight. In March he took me on vacation. While we were there, he told me he loved me. I didn't respond. A week later, he told me he wasn't ready for that. A week after that he was dating someone else. Some love.

April through September was a blur. A blur of Soco Lime shots and Grateful Deads. Talking to ex's, sleeping with unknowns. Constantly searching without knowing what im searching for but obviously looking in all the wrong places. 

October through December I found myself in a place all too familiar. A place of knowing wrong but trying it anyways. I give myself in to all the wrong people and suffer extreme disappointment when people dont reach my expectations. How can I expect something to fly when it's never had wings in the first place? I should have held true to my vows. 

So, 2009.... listen, i don't know if i'm ready for you. i don't know if i can handle you. I dont know that i'm strong enough. take it easy on me, okay?

I'll never know

I know you like the back of my own hand. Your souls breathes with mine and exhales at the same time, yet when i was lost in my head where were you to pull me out. What corners of your mind were you exploring while i interpreted my vision through my broken love lenses. I would give anything to be inside your head while i was stuck in mine. What did you think? Who were you thinking of? What memories did you recall? No matter how well i know you no matter how much closer we grow i can never know your thoughts. This is your great mystery. This is my desire.

B.

I wish you'd realize she's the last unhealthy addiction in your life. This is going for the gold. When it's over your free. One by one you've overcome all others. You're so close. Of course you save the hardest and the best for last. Think of the amazing things you've done and think of the even more amazing you'll do. I believe in you. 

Undulation

She looks up at the only things constant in her life and sighs."Why is there such a fine line between love and hate?" she asks. "I wish I had an answer," it answered.

A.

Moving from Summer to Winter and somewhere in between, I forgot to pack my happiness.

This Blog's for YOU

My blog is smart and quick
Your blog makes me sick

war is the only option

make me believe
let me see
take me higher
become immortal
invisible to this world
running on these empty streets
exploring these unknown lands
leading this army to new heights
heights we never believed we could reach
free falling
and running in these hostile lands
i could feel the enemies eyes
like fire on my head
survival is no longer an option
death is the only way to live.
freedom is at its height
born to live and born to give
life is only an empty canvas
fight till the end
fight for the freedom
without freedom
life is nonexistent
fight harder
through the pain
for one day
this will all end
war will only be an after thought
until than
war is the only option.

,,,

I want to be the only one and i don't even know who you are.

...

What if I told you that you are the only one?

Why? and other questions.

Why do little things bother me so much. People stress me out and they don't even know it. I hate stupid people they get under my skin. I can only hope that i get under their skin. But i doubt it. I think they are totally oblivious to anything. Why do they exist. I'm almost egotistical enough to beleive they only exist in my world to annoy me. Do they have lifes after they are out of mine. Im sure when they leave my life they're simply annoying you. Now, another question what is your bigggest fear. I realized it isn't being alone its more than that. I'm afraid of not being accepted or loved. I could be surrounded by people but not be accepted or loved. I'm not sure if i love myself or accept myself so that's probably a problem. I'm afraid to be vunerable but not as afraid to not be accepted or loved. What's your biggest fear?

Randomness

You are slowly becoming a memory i can no long remember
Like something from my childhood for a while you stood
As the only thing i could remember as the definition of happy
And i still haven't grown up fully but i know the difference
Between us and reality between trust and a fallacy
Is what love ought to be

you dont realize
how you affect my lifes
when you live yours

Deep connection

I had one of those very rare moments of human connection. I met a person who i knew as an acquaintance and we started talking. That conversation turned into 5 hours and it was amazing. It was funny cuz we both recognized the fact of how rare it is for two men to let down there guard and really connect. But that's what happened it was real and raw. I feel blessed to be in the generation I'm in where people of different races and backgrounds don't have to be confined to their past and what they did. They can be accepted and appreciated for the person they are now. On another note i think i want to try stand up. Im being serious some of the most genuinely hilarious thoughts hit me i crack myself up all the time. I don't know how well it would translate to other people because its hard to explain. Like for instance here is one bit that i came up with tonight i don't know if its just me that fonds it funny. It has to do with racism and stereotypes. I love having a black friend that allows me say nigger around him. It makes me feel special like thanks dude for letting me use this totally amazing and fun word. And it also makes other white people jealous and nervous. They get jealous because they know they cant say it and it also proves to them that i am not racist because i can say it and my black friend doesn't get mad. I know deep down they want to try it but are afraid that he will get mad and kill them. Which he would because we cant have a bunch of white people going around saying nigger. I mean then it would be just a word. See that's funny to me i dont know how well it translates. Let me know please pass the paparika and ....

Hello Stranger

Hello stranger with the dark hair and boyish good looks. Would you like to run away with me and get married? I think you can make me really happy. The way you read that newspaper shows your an intellectual. Your gaged ears say your artistic and your business casual attire says you've got goals. I like where this is going. I'm in love with you already and I don't even know what your voice sounds like. Your eyes tell me what you think of me. In your head you think "she's hurt. maybe she was abused at some point, but she fought through it,she's a fighter. Her eyes are amazing, I cant look away. Look how she takes care of everyone. She'll make a great mother. Let's run away and get married."

Trash thrash

It's 11am. Hung over. sitting in bed with no pants on, drinking a cup of Pepsi, and smoking a cigarette. How fucking attractive. Somewhere in between being the President of the French National Honor Society and dropping out of college, this is what I have become. Excellent.

Pass the salt and commence with the beatings.

Ok usually i write some cheesy overly dramatic poem about lost love and try to work a tear from my captive audience of 7 but not this time. No cliches and metaphors and trying to be clever but more importantly hoping that youll think im clever and therefore be astonished that your friends with someone thats so brilliant. Through writing on here ive realized im not the best writer and therefore to save my ego and your sighs im going to take the traditional blog route. Im going to write about totally relatable( i hope) things that happen everyday in my life. Damn it yesterday i had a whole shitload of stuff i wanted to say observations were flying at me like.... told you no metaphors or similies. Lets start with the holidays what a craptastic time of fake cheer and commercialized happiness. Im supposed to be happy and spread holiday cheer when every store i go to has 4x the amount of people normally and everyone is rude trying to spread that cheer and happiness to their loved ones. A person was trampled to death at the united church of america(walmart) thats not a metaphor its true. And for what a i pod that was on sale a wii. It doesnt make sense. Maybe this is just me but when your in walmart do you feel better about yourself. I do i really do i could be having the worst day ever but seeing that much white trash in one place lifts my spirits like none other. Also in walmart now this not everyone might think but i often daydream on how many people i could take out if i had a machine gun and a few well placed grenades. How long till the overweight 55 yr old previously laid off security guard could take me down and would he? i mean this dude is making minimum wage. Are you going to take a bullet for $6.75 and part time benefits. Im not i can tell you that but if someone did go ballistic it would make shopping easier but i dont know how i would feel about myself. Girls yeah here we go ok just walk with me im not going to where you think i am. Its just that i cant even tell you the last time i met a cool chic. I mean an honest to goodness cool decent person that had a vagina. Someone that i would hang out with even if they were neutered. I havent and dont know when i will. They are rare and usually are taken or dont want to have sex. At least not with me then again i havent meant one in a minute. Thats the funny thing i want to have sex with someone that i dont need to have sex with. There are some people that we just use for sex you cant carry a conversation with them but you will be inside them. I want sex as a bonus like jerry and elaine. This is good no reason why that wouldnt be good. Well till next time please pass the slat.

self-mutilation

I internalize all my fears
all of my doubts
all of these years.

Now buried far beneath
the layers of insecurities
becoming my inner demons.

I can't show you who I am
Who I really want to be
Because I'm hidden.

Sealed up tight
only for me to know.

Sometimes I slip
and a light so piercing and bright
will shine through my layers.

This light tears through me
in the most horryfing way
while my layer upon layer of inner demons
grab and gnarl to keep it in.

For you to see this one small piece
I suffer immeasurable pain.

So take that sliver of me
and cherish it-
it pained me to release.

somewhere in between

Somewhere in between
the first look and the last smile
i thought this would last a while
somewhere in between the first talk and the last walk
i found an unbreakable force. a shining shield.
somewhere in between the way you would look at me
i saw a girl that would live eternally
somewhere in between the first kiss and the last
your love seemed so naive
but why did you leave so fast?
somewhere in between hello and goodbye
i found a love that would never die.

lost in translation

somehow you got lost in translation
you are like a creator with out a creation
some would call you an abomination
from my point of view you are a reconciliation
saving me from this sure damnation
and here i sit confused and full of frustration
as you are in a hot pursuit of domination
i fall to you to you once again without any justification
your actions feel no consequence your far from redemption
sooner or later this world will call you ceasar
and you will rule and no one will be able to please her
you will fall even deeper into despair
as you get lost in translation.

Let Me Be Your Lodestar

She's got the most innocent face with the most deviant stare. Be cautious. She knows your thoughts before you construct them. And when she cries it looks beautiful but her tears are made of acid. If you try to wipe them away it's guaranteed you'll get burned. She sleeps in a bed of roses but hides the thorns until you join her. PRICK. She'll suck you in until your obligated to stay but secretly you'll love it. And we'll always create our own misery. 

Alone In the Crowded Light

Let me crawl inside for one second let me feel connected from this different perspective. Dont let me ever leave you you dont have a choice now im the one speaking your voice. These thoughts that flood my head i would give it all up just to hear you say my name instead. Instead of what i ask i dont know i was hoping you could help complete this task. My to-do-list is longer than my regrets so i hope it to be your the only one that can affect both but you already know that dont you.

Deportment

She's the perfect runaway that's scared to actually run away.

She's the perfect wife that's scared to actually get married.

She's the perfect mother that's scared to actually birth a child.

She's the perfect student that's scared to actually go back to school.

She's the perfect friend that's scared to actually be  friendly.

She's prospectively the perfect person that's scared to actually be perfect.

shipwrecked

In this world of adversity and uncertanty, you're my certain versatility.
I would have sunk to the depths in this sea of calamity
But your net of awkward familiarity was my salvation.

Last lullaby

This is my last lullaby written in memory of you
And my dreams of let it be true for me to say to you I do
I do choose to remember the good over the bad
The happy over the sad and the sappy over the mad
Its over but whos glad no need for a pinch this truth stabs
Deep i think i need sleep but i think so i dont sleep
Its like you bein hungry but you wont eat
What id do for a piece of that meat
Comeon one last toss in the sheets to respark the heat
Is it still fucking if your weak at the knees
And its from a kiss on the cheek
I miss the feeling of peace cuz im feeling in pieces
Nothins concrete but that doesnt stop me
From giving you my heart one piece at a time
Ah the feelings sublime the meanings divine
When your presents spent rewinding the time
Hopping in and out of these stories of ours
The glorys so far away its faded
When did we wake up so jaded
Its not your fault that this adam tasted
Cuz i followed you in to this hole like a free throw
Follow through please not you you feel hollow too
Well here swallow two but that wont do
Cuz i fell for love like swallows do
From high up above the beginning of love.
Your funeral dirge is next

Ghost

Will you haunt me forever this thing that i lost. How much longer will you sit in the corner of mind mocking everytime i try to rewind. These thoughts laugh at me constantly. Just when ive had enough you change your tune just in time to change my mood. Im locked in my past stuck fast to a memory. I wish you didnt die without me. I wish you couldnt live without me cuz i dont have the ability to be transparent. I wish i was the ghost in your corner destroying the things that will harm you. Let me be the hero youll never know. Please let me be anything in your life anything but what i am now. Anything but the tormented soul youve made me into. Allow me to live or allow me to die. I ask permission but why. You are just the present spirit of the past. How can you grant anything to me. How can you make what i feel null and void. When did love become deaf and dumb. When did mistakes have consequences love covers all. If so then your heart is all over my coveralls. Im numb to what i thought was gone I turn deaf when i hear our song. I am a ghost.

Like a Hoover

We can try and try yet there's still that unforseen force that sucks you in like a hoover vacuum. A force undeniable and relentless. And it feels so good.

Syndicated

Scared shitless but wanting it so bad. My only saving grace is that you'll save me. I'll sit back for now and pretend like I'm a wall when really am an astroid waiting to combust. You'll find out a year from now, don't worry. I'm not lying, I'm just a great actor. Perhaps I'm in the wrong profession. We talk on the phone and you'll say I said it with a smirk. Sure, you know my facial expressions when I speak but do you really know what you're getting yourself into? Play it cool but what I really want to say is lets run away and leave it all behind, take care of me, love me me for all time. You can't say that, you'll sound crazy but aren't I crazy anyway even if I'm just thinking it? And for the one that let me get away- good for you. It's probably the smartest thing you've ever done. But for now I'm content being that one you saw standing under the street light that night. The one you had to gather the courage to talk to. I'll fall for all your words as you will for mine. Don't worry, I'll be just fine.

synapse lapse

Shut up. Shut up. Your chatting with no meaning. Never mind i don't mean the things I'm not saying. Beneath my love lies a layer of disgust. Disgust at my image mirrored through your eyes. I can love you but why cant I love me. Just for once second lets switch places and fall in love with us. The clarity through your eyes is blinding, its overwhelming my senses. As my vision adjusts my other senses erupt. Do i really sound like that why do you smell so weird. Now i know why nobody cared but me. Because I do staring back at you it hits me I cant help myself so ill help you. Isnt it the same isnt it a shame. So that's why you love me I love me I hate me I hate you I love you. Its all the same isn't it.