Every day I am told I am beautiful.  Every single day of my life.   People compliment me on something random about myself on a daily basis.  I am constantly surrounded by people who love me,  at work AND at home.  I am very lucky for that. But how could you be surrounded by people who love you,  and still feel lonely?  How could I always get compliments and still never feel pretty?  I am sick of being alone.  I want confortable silence.  I want security.  I want someone I can FART ON.  I want someone who thinks I am prettier without makeup on.  I want someone who accepts all my faults/my past without holding it against me.  I want to remember what it's like to be in love.  To feel SOMETHING.

Every Time

I see your picture I'm taken back to four years ago when I decided to sleep with you that once. And to think I wasted years loving you when you were only a fantasy. I built you up into something incredible so that it couldn't be matched. And sometimes you knew it and told me that you couldn't be what I wanted. Other times you would say "is there anyone that can take you and do this in a day. I'm one of a kind." And so I was conflicted for years. Its funny to think that my ultimate wish for as long as I could remember was your undoing. Because you were, absolutely by far, the most horrible lay I've ever had and it's liberating. Liberating to know that even though all the hurt and the wanting was for nothing- I can move on. I can live my life and know that you were never meant to be my prince in some castle. My high school sweetheart realized and loved and warm and real. And it's made me stronger. Who I am today. You may have taken away my innocence (not sexually)- but through the mind fuck that was loving you. And you may have taken my naivete that love really isn't a fairy tale. But I tell you now that I'm a stronger person for it in the end. You'll always have a little piece of me. The first boy I loved and lost my heart too. But you won't have my hand in the end. Or my heart. Those I reserve for myself. And whom I choose to live with my life with. So Thank You. For being the worst person to fall in love with. Thank you for making me strong and who I am today.

Something about fear

It's something about fear, how it can interfere with the things you hold dear. You feel like everything is whole, and that youre finally in control, then doubt comes along and drills a hole. Now what was once intact, it isn't quite exact, what is fiction? what is fact? Who knows? Is the answer in their possession? I've come to find out, its inside the person with the question. Try not to feed it, you're only giving it help, no one should be a worst enemy to themself. Know that you are love, you were made from love, and feel that with not another thing above. Love for you will always keep you clear, and then it will be fear's turn to disappear

time waster, mind eraser

He mind raped me in ways I never thought possible. Your lies linger in the echos of my thoughts and I can't sleep. I feel sick, overwhelmed, weak. How do I recover from this manipulation? I gave her everything she needed to be strong and walk away, but it seems as though she took his bait again.  Months of nothing but secrets and lies and double lives. How does one person keep track of all the different stories? We laid in bed to go to sleep and he kissed the back of my head and held me close and said "Goodnight my baby".  then he got up in the morning and went to their new house to shower before work. Is this a lifetime movie? It can't be real, it didn't happen to me....

This place I'm in.

I'd rather die than live a lie. Why do we eat/ignore each others bullshit all the time. Is it because we care and think it would be rude. Or maybe it's because we don't care enough. Or better yet if you don't call me on my bullshit I won't call you on yours and we can all go on living our lives. Our beautifully, imperfect, unfulfilled, boring, plain, pedestrian lives. We are not bored by what we do do, but rather by what we don't do. I am full of shit. I say I want to help people yet I can't/won't help myself. I say your boring and yet I'm just as boring. I talk a lot and get pumped up for nothing. I live through words, art, movies and music, yet I myself just exist.... merely breathing. I have become everything I hate simply because I don't have the balls, ambition, or direction to be what I want. Who am I to expect out of you something I myself can't provide.Who the fuck do I think I am!!! I am the judgemental do-nothing prick that I've always hated. I act like I'm above you because I say I see the world differently. But, for what I have the eyes to see but not the feet to move. I'm sorry for every time I looked down on you and felt sorry for the way you lived your life. When in reality I just feel sorry for myself and I take it out on you because your available. I'm sorry and until I am who I can be and live how I should, I will never look down on you from my Ivory Tower of shame and regret.

93 days, 3 years time

It's easy to love when it's deserved.
But can you stand up when your backs against the rope?
With the whole crowd cheering, but they want you to choke?
Can you love without reason?
When it's not deserved but there's still hope?

Most people lack the courage to love, or are just plain scared.
Human nature is designed to be survival of the fittest,
to forge ahead with your best foot forward.
But love is the complete opposite. Love tells you to be vulnerable.
To let someone see you uninhibited, in all your weaknesses.
So I challenge everyone to love with all their heart.
To immerse themselves in someone else,
but to never lose sight of the things that make you whole.
Even if the love goes south to never regret one single moment spent.
Some people go their whole lives without experiencing love,
and they're no better off then those who have loved and lost.
Some people that experience it turn bitter and cold.
But I wouldn't trade the pain, if it meant I'd have to erase the memories.
Some people never realize that the time spent in love was enough.
My heart may be tattered and torn, but it holds true beauty.
For I have loved with all my heart, and I regret nothing.

I know I'm not the only one in the willowchronicles nurturing a broken heart, but there is a silver lining in every storm. There is always hope. Life has a funny way of working out what you swore couldn't. What's truly meant to be will always find it's way, as cliched at it may sound. Things need to happen in their own time, because if they don't they're made to be, and not meant to be...

Tired

I'm so absolutely exhausted of wasting my time on you. I have nothing left to give I'm numb, indifferent, apathetic and cold. If love is a decision then I choose not to love you anymore. I physically cannot do this. You are a waste of every tear, hour, poem, dream, jerk off, and blog I've ever done in your memory.I am slowly killing myself. I move through life like a zombie waiting on the impossible to happen. You have been replaced by others that don't satisfy. I watch porn hoping to get one tenth of the fire i used to feel. With every artificial orgasm i generate i curse your name and tell you how much i hate you. This is what my love has become. A maddening circus to try to recreate a feeling, a moment, a scene long long lost. I live through new memories we will never create. I give everything for 5 minutes of nothing, pointless conversation. I sacrifice meaningful connections to retain a sense of connection to you. For what? For what? I don't have the slightest clue. I am a stranger to myself. My heart feels like a rouge organ plotting to destroy the rest of my body. I cannot justify this love anymore than I can deny it. It is. It is. I don't understand it and that unfortunately is part of the appeal. I wish I could love someone else. I already know who you are too. But I can't, I'm infected with this heart disease. I need to get better. I need to live again. But, till then i will exist through broken promises and unfulfilled expectations.

robbed

When you took from me the one sacred thing I should have been able to give away, you took so much more.
What should have been an exciting and wonderful moment in my life to look forward to, you made a painful, revolting memory that I wish I could erase.
It sounds so cliche to say that you stole my innocence... but that's exactly what happened. My girlish happy spirit was taken, and it left me a cold and indifferent, shattered soul that I was responsible for piecing back together.
When you should have been protecting me from the same evils, you were instead inflicting the worst imaginable, scarring, life-altering pain.
All I have to say is thank you for making me the strong person I am today. I can turn the other cheek... but YOU have to sleep with this guilt on your shoulders until the day you die. And I hope that it's at least half as painful as what I've endured, because you deserve it.
Some day, when you may have a little girl of your own, I pray that it pierces your heart to see what you ruined in another human being, and I pray she never fall victim to such injustice.

girl i just wanted to show
the way you make my soul flow
til it feels like it drips
from my fingers and toes

hands and lips become pairs
with our eyes fixed in stares
and then they close
laying dark to our cares

and when we meet at the chest
we'll feel the beat in our breast
and how it grows louder
the closer we get

we'll give all to each other
and never no less
together we'll flow
in this state of carelessness

Untitled

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKHilrXR3VU
You've moved on or so You say
but My heart won't let You get away
or forget the pain
But I choose to remember the way
You smiled on that warm summer day
and all the love We made
back when You were my maid marion and I was
Your prince[insert name]
but since those days how many memories
have We gave away
chasing flames that didn't exist
We missed
the fire that exists in Our kiss
hoping to find in another what We simply missed
in each other
We became stuck like some beached lovers
seeking heat underneath strange covers
We were left cold dreaming of each other
this thought alone connecting Us past the bullshit of reality
almost as if LOVE actually is better than LOVE
factually
because Ours wasn't built in a factory
long ago we lost the warranty, no guarantee
this love is patched up, homemade and
flawed
it was thrown away, cold, rediscovered and
thawed
and now its the cause to make My heart
pause
even if its only a moment I cherish it because
that moment's golden
and I can't promise what tomorrow brings
just that I'll LOVE You till tomorrows cease.

Thank You

Thank you to all of you who are involved in Willow Chronicles. Whether you post consistantly, sporadicly, or just stop by to read, you are greatly appreciated. Willow Chronicles has, without a doubt, met and exceeded what we had ever expected it to become. My longtime soulmate friend and I are absolutely estatic and have all of you to thank for it. Let's keep it growing by continuing to share our outlet with others.

Neither Here Nor There

I returned to the place where my mail is sent last night. Which would lead one to believe that I am home. Over the past week I've searched for my home though. Which explains me venturing through three states to a place I know my heart, along with my happiness has always been. Desperatly seeking to find some place of comfort, somewhere my soul could be at ease again.

I was married to a state of mind, based on what I thought my life should be. It was a 3 year comfort net that kept me. Which was neither here nor there. Faithfully I lived my life for the happiness one man brought. I can't begin to tell you the mistake that was. Not the relationship, but the loss of oneself to a relation-shit. I put aside my education, resigned from a promising job I would've been able to turn into a career, left my family, and my friends. To follow this mans pursuit of happiness, which took me far from where my life had been. I did all this so that I could build a life with someone I truly loved, and believed to be the most amazing soul I had ever encountered. Unfortunatly he was also someone who could never let go of his first love. I followed my heart though, so I have no regrets. Even if my biggest fear of being her stand in for those 3 years was realized the day she took over the home I built. Being in love is quite possibly the most fulfilling feeling in life. I am not so cynical to believe that I could never love again, but right now I feel so bruised, and broken. I feel I have nothing to offer the next man, I offered it all at one point to someone, and was rejected time and time again. How's that for a self-esteem boost? Having to realize that your best just wasn't good enough.

I drove myself straight to a place, where every street was paved with forgotten promises, every restaurant and store filled with loving memories of a not so forgotten past for me. I was able to see the snow covered trees, and sidewalks that warmed my heart every visit. As awkward as it wasn't, I realized as much as I would love to call it home again, it would never be. I spent a few days with friends, who reminded me that I am loved, and always welcomed back. Was introduced to new friends, one of which intrigued me. I even ran into my ex, and got to see his soul shine through, while he did something I've always believed he could excel in, and touch others with. But it was the glares from a certain individual that night, that forced me to look at what I was doing, and realize how selfish my return would be. I was going to make a run for it the next day and a text message stopped me. "I'm really glad you were there," was all he wrote. So I stayed for the time I had intended to.

Yesterday I endured the grueling 16 hour drive back to the location I get my mail, the place where I am surrounded on the daily by people that truly love me. Yet felt more alone then ever. Happiness for me comes at a price of hurting others, angering some, and forcing a certain individual to own up to his mistakes. All of which I believe is unfair, maybe even selfish. So I stay where I'm content, and can derive happiness from seeing the people that I love happy. Just a pointless venting session I had to get out, before my little body exploded.

apathy

Why do I have such an apathetic attitude towards my future. I have plans and desires, yet my motivation to reach and complete my goals is lacking, to say the least.
I have a lofty goal set as far as my degree is concerned... and I think my problem comes in with my current situation. Having the necessity for the full time job which I currently have (due to debt I've foolishly accrued), I am forced to go to night classes which is proving to be a difficult and lengthy process. All at the same time I'm in a position where my hearts true desire to be a wife and mother is thwarting my career ambitions. I still want to graduate and attain my numerous degrees required for my desired vocation, however, my brain is saying... "why bother? If I'm going to be at home raising children, what's the point of spending my time, money, energy, and what is left of my early twenties on this education which may never be put to practical use?"

I haven't given up on my ambitions, by any means. However circumstances have set me back even further because of stupid college course scheduling. This just adds to the frustrations!!
And as time wears on the reality of marriage and children becomes more present and pressing.

I just needed to complain...

i'd love to let you fill up the empty parts of me. hold me tight and close, get deep inside of me until it feels like we're both part of the same space and time. no fear or emptiness, just us, together. i'd love to be the one to fill up the empty parts of you, show you that there are some places that are not bottomless, and that together we can grow things that cannot be put into words out of the empty parts of us

Unreconstructed

I somehow feel comforted by empty spaces in this unfamiliar situation. No clutter, no memories. It's new and open. The only things that surround me are things I want around me. Scarcely furnitured, simple yet elegant and sophisticated... you're exactly what I needed. Overwhelmed and honey mooned. With no blinds I can see clearly to the outside. This is life. The light pole outside cries icicles but I know it will feel better by spring. Thank you for continuing to shine anyways. Though I still desire, for the the first time I feel it is all unnecessary. Who knew it would only take hardwood floors? Inside you, I am inspired. Sleeping beside you, I am inspired.

A.I.

I should've guessed this would've happened. You'd come back at just the wrong time but with all the right words. It seems I keep making left hand turns and end up right back where I started. Chameleon tongue, you spoke with hidden intentions seeking security in my insecurity. Telling me what you think I want to hear, but its really just a test. You love the sound my chains make when they rattle. You love the smell of my love so wet and eager. I silently pray that your kiss will be bitter so no more will my mind remember the soft taste of your lips on a warm spring day. I hope your hair feels brittle in my fingers and that your breasts make a lousy pillow. I need us to have nothing to talk about. I hope that everything we don't have in common drives us apart. But it won't, it can't, I won't let it happen. I continue to cling to you as desperately as a child holds onto his blanket. It makes no sense. You can no longer protect me, nor warm me, your worn and tattered. Is that what this love has become- a comfortable piece of nostalgia that has long lost its purpose. Are you simply my favorite pair of slippers with holes in the sole and my toes exposed cold but I stay foolishly faithful, unwilling to buy a new pair. Afraid if i do, if i put you aside for something better, that our memories become nought. Maybe I'm just a pack rat and your just something i don't know what to do with; like some trinket from high school or an old hat i haven't worn in 5 years. My closet will be empty without you gathering dust but i must i must.....