Goodbye

Goodbye illusion Goodbye my dreamer Goodbye and along your journey Godspeed No remorse nor ill will I wish you For we were never meant to be Though we tried and tried we did Time and time again Fate and odds were never in our favor But we strove against them tete a tete Till the score was even but we would never be And so you lie cased in glass inside my memory A wistful smile crack of voice wisp of golden hair You've become a relic a mental souvenir So goodbye dear friend a glass I raise to you For times we never had and never will to these I bid adieu

What a day for a daydream...

It's so funny to me how the adult mind works. For the longest time I had dreams, hopes, and ambitions. Then, slowly, the reality of life set in and and stripped them one by one from me, like a dancer's dignity at Mr. Happy's on a Tuesday night. I had settled into the mindset, that "this was it." I have a job, I can be thankful for that, and this job pays my bills. I had thought that at my age-there wasn't much more I could ask for. That lasted for a long, bitter, time. And suddenly, when you realize, that life is what you make of it-the dreamer in you comes back to life. Sometimes it takes the spark of someone else's ambition or success, and sometimes it just reincarnates in you. I always prided myself on being a dreamer as a kid... and when I lost it- I thought that it was all foolishness. But now I see that it was foolish to let any of it go. I have as much time left on this earth as God sees fit... it could be minutes, hours, days... decades. So I'm going to make every single one count, and dream ever second of every day of the things I can, may, and will do. I think my biggest motivation right now, comes from knowing that if I can achieve certain dreams I have, that people I love will inadvertently have their dreams come true too. That my driving force- the success and happiness of those around me, and then my own. A lesson learned the hard way... is still a lesson learned. It's never to late to dream.

This... Is... JEOPARDY

I've always been somewhat of an "intellect." Not because I'm necessarily intelligent or smart-but because I've always enjoyed learning. Whether it was learning at school, learning through reading, or learning through observing; it has always been a pleasure of mine. It's only natural that I'm a trivia nut. Trivial Pursuit? Sign me up. Trivia night? I'm there. Any sort of game that's Q&A facts has my name written ALL OVER IT. Naturally, I'm a Jeopardy Junkie... and it's been a dream of mine to be on the show for a while now. So this year... I decided I'd register for the online test, and tonight's the night!! I'm excited-but also being very rational about it. I know that I may be very unlucky with the categories and questions. I know that 15 seconds to answer a question which may require a bit of memory recall is going to be rough, and I also realize that there are THOUSANDS of others that are also taking the test-and that even if by a miracle I did extremely well on the test, I may not get a call for an in-person interview due to how many people are trying to get on the show. You figure... 5 shows a week... 3 contestents per show (but only 2 NEW since one is a returning winner)... in a year-there are only ROUGHLY 500 contestents. My chances of getting on the show are so slim it's depressing. But it hasn't lessened my excitement to participate in the online test!!! So... here goes nothin!!! Perhaps I'll be one of the very lucky 500. Some one has to win, right????

End of the year poop

With the end of 2013 fast-approaching, social media is being flooded with "good riddance 2013" - "2013 sucked" - "2014 is gonna be my year" - "I'm gonna kick 2014's ass!" and so on, and so on, ad nauseam. Ironically... if you scrolled back far enough to the end of 2012-it was full of all the same sentiments... "F 2012, bring it on 2013!!" Really folks??? I mean-let's be real here; there's 365 days in a year, assuming it's not a leap, the likelihood of going an entire year without something "bad" happening and therefore rendering your year "the suckiest year EVVEEERRRRR" is so slim that it's not even worth entertaining the thought. This is life. Welcome to it. After the age of-oh let's say... 11? 12? life is going to consistently throw things your way that may not be ideal... but instead are REAL. Yes, you'll have your heart broken-most likely more than once (and if you're my friend on FB, you'll probably have your heart broken approximately 32 times in any given year. Really guys??? Stop it. Be in a relationship-or don't. And for the love of my news feed... dating someone for 2 weeks does not constitute changing your relationship status on FB, you're only going to be changing it back in a week when "he's such an ass hole" or "she's a filthy whore"). I'll keep this cynicism short and sweet. Here's to 2013... a year which brought many things my way--- *Another priceless year spent with the most amazing woman on this planet (my mom, of course)*A new job (yay!)*Another wonderful nephew (awww) *Another year spent with my counterpart (sigh/swoon/whatev the girls do these days) *Ended friendships (yep... 2 of them) that were over a decade long (yeah, fuck you too)* A new sister-in-law (Shoulder Shrugs)*Lost some family members to old age/cancer/etc (RIP Aunt Alice & Virginia) And 2013 leaves me with no different feeling than any other year. It was quick, it was fun, it was sad at times, and now it's gone. Cheer's to 2014!!! hopefully bringing many more of life's hysterical conundrums, health for all (especially mom). My only wish is that the days slow down, and I can put on rose-colored glasses and enjoy each day for what it's worth-whether it be good, bad, or indifferent. May I be always compassionate, understanding, and loving to all deserving. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

Sometimes, I miss my friend.

love you more pookie

Is there always one person that loves more in a realtionship???

a work in progress

I'm that cliche person right now... Sitting in a coffee shop. Looking SOOOOOOO hip with my macbook. And even cooler because I'm actually drinking COFFEE. I've typed about 32 beginnings to this. You know how that goes. When you're "in the mood to write" but you sit down and nothing crosses your mind to put down. One sentence... backspace backspace backspace. "No, this is going on a blog... I certainly have to sound much cooler than I appear to be right now." You know, I'm sitting here and I can't write because I'm so concerned with what everyone else thinks I'm up to here. Do they think I'm a student? Or some poor legal secretary doing work after hours just to keep up with the pricks at the office who are always on my back? Or am I some brooding artist desperately trying to cultivate my "big break" piece?? If I could read minds... I'd NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE. Who am I really? It's so unimportant and pedestrian you'd cut me off mid sentence--"ok, I get it, you're average, at best. So is your job." You'd be right. I have somehow landed a job that pays me more than I'm worth, and essentially, I have NO idea what I'm doing. I can go through the motions and mechanically complete the work expected of me, but please don't ask me why I'm doing what I'm doing. More importantly... back to the coffeehouse people. Look at me, wonder what I'm doing. Wonder if I'm important. WISH YOU KNEW. Most of what everyone does on a day to day basis in the public eye is meticulously orchestrated in their minds to create an appearance far more important than the reality of it.

Need some input here...

Hey guys... I was looking through all the old posts. There's a plethora of drafts just hangin around in there... What are your thoughts on either going back and finishing your own, or would you mind if others went through and put their own spin on the rest of it??? I don't want to offend anyone by taking over a draft-but some of them have been sitting there for years and are a great jumping off point.

Adversity

I've gone through so many stages in life, already. Loved, love lost, love found again. Never in a million years did I think this is what I would become. Most people say that when they are ashamed or disappointed; but not me. I am incredibly proud and relieved that I have exceeded the world's expectations in my potential. I grew up as part of a struggling low-middle class family. I never had nearly as much as others and was perfectly okay with that. I did, however, vow that one day my children would never feel the struggles of keeping the lights on and keeping food on the table. At one point in my life I became withdrawn, dropped out of college, and contemplated the world beyond our living world. I took solace in the company I had there with me. I wasn't looking beyond my own little world. I wasn't thinking about the big picture. I fell in love with moments constantly and fell hard out of them when I realized they were only moments. Today I am 26 years old. I am engaged. I own a home. I have visible tattoos and dyed blonde hair. I am a woman. I am an Operations Manager for a conservative fortune 500 company and make $95K a year. I am everything you would not expect me to be by looking at me and that makes me happy. I have risen above the adversity of being a woman in the corporate world. Being tattooed in the corporate world. I come home every day to my artistic, urban fiance who is my polar opposite and literally can't picture a life in which I would be any happier. I can't say I have always made the best decisions in life. But I am certainly proud that both the good and bad decisions have led me here. I am excited for whats in store for me next. I love this adventure. I will continue to live by the virtue of AAA. Awareness, Attitude, and Authenticity...... and maybe a fourth A - AWESOMENESS.

A Breath of Fresh Air

It seems like it took 10 years longer for the leaves to bud on the trees but alas, hints of green begin to tease me. Summer fruit bouquet gently misted in the air. Ahhh... this is what I've longed for. Every thing in order, in it's place; not just the books on the shelves. My mind is finally so free. The consumption of wonder and why no longer pulls me away from the reality I live. It's just so beautiful.

Change is good

I took the liberty to change the look a bit. I hope no one minds. I think it's time to breathe new life into this blog. let's get writing!!!

with or without

As I take a step back and observe my life, here and now, i'm incredibly impressed by some of the people in my life, and by the lack of some I thought would be around forever... I know what happened and why they're not part of the picture, but I can't help reliving the extraction of each one. Gently reminding myself of the process of elimination. Most are painless, even a relief, some are anesthetized, and a select few leave me with a yearning in my chest and moist eyes. I know in the cases where the absence has left me dizzy, I know there was little or nothing I could have done. And had I done something, perhaps I wouldn't be here looking in on my life from a satisfied perch. I look back in particular at one love lost. From 13 to 18... My every thought was consumed by you. You crushed my naive illusion of love through email. I was angry. So angry. I couldn't imagine recovering from such a blow. Of course, I had our lives planned out together. I think that's what all teens in love do. We were Zack and Kelly, together forever... In my mind. I know why it ended, and now, nine years later I'm at a point where I'm obviously way over this, in reality I was over it fairly quickly thanks to many willing partners and experiencing lots of fun between the sheets, I actually moved on with rapid ease, I think my extreme anger and temporary hatred aided this. But, never once did I forget you... In fact, to this day we talk and laugh and carry on like the old friends we are. I tell you I love you, and you return the affection without hesitation. I tell you about the new love of my life, and with a slight tinge of jealousy and resentment you listen, and I can tell you are genuinely happy for me. You still ask me once in a while when we're going to be together, I just laugh, a little longingly, but mostly nostalgically thinking about how 14 years ago, we were going to be together forever. Your void has been filled by another. One that makes me feel even more naive and silly. Hoping for the together forever and happily every after. Maybe I'll get another email crushing those hopes yet again, but looking back, if history repeats itself, there will be another to restore those childish beliefs. And I'll look back and be grateful for the loss because the gain was so sweet. Or maybe, just maybe Zack and Kelly do make it... Only one way to find out.

7-11

I'm not going to be your 7-11 friend anymore. You may get away with your antics with your fellow restaurant staff friends that don't know any better, but me? No more. I thought I was doing the right thing, told myself that you needed me and that I should be there for you. And I was. Time and time again, I was there when you needed me and no one else was. But then I realized that my input effort in no way affected your efforts as a friend. I'm not here for you anymore. You don't get to dictate our friendship. When you miss me, remember all the times I was there, and how seldom we did something I wanted to do, or how often you came to something that was important to me. Or how about you think about the fact that you've still not met my boyfriend of three years because it's what's convenient for you. You chose marriage and you kinda chose children, if you ignore the fact that you accidentally got knocked up and then decided to get married, oh and don't forget the save the marriage baby. And i'm ok with your decisions. I was by your side through all of that, and I love your babies (more than I loved you) but when your life became the center of the universe and you started asking your husband for permission to go out with a friend, well that's where you lost me. You can manage to go out with your work friends, but the only time I fit into your life is when you want to sit on your couch and scream at your kids while we watch some awful TV. I'm all set. Thanks anyway. I've got a billion better things I could be doing. Like spending time with people that make time for me. Don't worry, when shit his the fan... I'm sure your restaurant pals will be around to pick up the pieces... Because they're such great trustworthy people. I'm not your friend of convenience any more. I've moved on.

Its been so long since I've had sex that I don't even recognize the act anymore. Sex has become something I masturbate and fantasize about rather than something I actively do. Its like the old timer watching VHS tapes of his glory days back in the big leagues. Masturbation is just messy reminiscing. Sexually

Truth at the spur of the moment

I am so fucking happy...

Cruel Monster

I am currently in a deep dark soul sucking bout of depression. The kind that makes you question everything about yourself, your life, and the people in it. Everytime this happens it feels like it will never end and everything I feel is not only true but more true than anything I feel when I'm not depressed. This is more than just crappyfeelings this comes with its own physical symptoms. I have a tightness in my chest and a shortness of breath, my head is foggy, and my nerves are constantly on edge. I want this feeling to go away more than anything. I hate it, it robs me of being myself. I feel like a morose zombie walking around nodding at others not wanting to partake in any social activity. Hating people for no reason a cloud of negativity gathers around me. I can honestly say that the majority of my 28 years on earth have been spent this way. Happiness is to me what depression is to others-fleeting, temporary and not indicative of who they are. I must beat this monster for it has already taken more from me than it ever should've.

Death Throes

We are all dying lets fuck

#133A

Your lipstick still stains red the cheek
Near where your lips were mine to meet
But deep beneath your blushing shade
Lie my own layers of rougeish shame
One that delicate lips could 'err detect
For it was built by pride and negligence
But your Judas kiss betrayed this feeling
Leaving me lost and searching for meaning
Thinking that I may yet be able to let it go
If only for a second this moment to grow
Then with parted lips you again brush against mine
And I find no reason to conceptualize
When I can feel the living rhythm within our rhyme

This Time Is Ours

Entry 2: Written in 1st person

As some peoples lives painfully linger on, mine will come to an abrupt halt in less than three hours. I am anxious to see what lies beyond these finite walls and this glass box we refer to as life. Am I scared? Of course, but who wouldn't be? Sometimes I wonder how I will leave this world. Will I leave engulfed in flames? Will I trip and hit my head? Will I drift off in my sleep? Maybe I will die a hero, maybe I will die a villain, only time can answer. These last few hours I spend alone, thanking God for every moment He has let me experience life; every breathe I take is a gift from above.
I hope people remember my name and I live on past death. I believe that everyone aspires to be remembered. To be remembered after death is to live forever.

Within it all

I'm on the outside just like everyone else. Maybe I'm not
so naive, I believe that all articles that radiate with
resplendence are not truly golden. Then again
most do, they are just too ignorant and caught up in the
beauty to realize how sordid things are.

I wish to open eyes and let look around to see. To
honestly see what lies slam bang in front of them.
Living the way we live in this place we proudly call
our home. How can one be so proud when things that
happen here occur so often. So there may be starving
children in other countries, we all have our poverty.
Yet they don't seem to walk around as if their
waste doesn't offend.

This place I call home doesn't make me as proud as I
once thought it did. I always want to complain that we
are all so pessimistic, but am I not being pessimistic
complaining about how no one sees what I see
Because they are mostly trying to be optimistic about
where they hang their hat. Yet in my defense, no one
is being optimistic at all. They merely don't know that
Beauty is only skin deep. And quite frankly they don't
concern themselves with knowing.

I just wish to open eyes and let look around to see. Maybe
just see through the eyes of me for one day, and
see how far their "optimistic" view of home is when they
leave my eyes and head back to their own,