Untitled

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKHilrXR3VU
You've moved on or so You say
but My heart won't let You get away
or forget the pain
But I choose to remember the way
You smiled on that warm summer day
and all the love We made
back when You were my maid marion and I was
Your prince[insert name]
but since those days how many memories
have We gave away
chasing flames that didn't exist
We missed
the fire that exists in Our kiss
hoping to find in another what We simply missed
in each other
We became stuck like some beached lovers
seeking heat underneath strange covers
We were left cold dreaming of each other
this thought alone connecting Us past the bullshit of reality
almost as if LOVE actually is better than LOVE
factually
because Ours wasn't built in a factory
long ago we lost the warranty, no guarantee
this love is patched up, homemade and
flawed
it was thrown away, cold, rediscovered and
thawed
and now its the cause to make My heart
pause
even if its only a moment I cherish it because
that moment's golden
and I can't promise what tomorrow brings
just that I'll LOVE You till tomorrows cease.

Thank You

Thank you to all of you who are involved in Willow Chronicles. Whether you post consistantly, sporadicly, or just stop by to read, you are greatly appreciated. Willow Chronicles has, without a doubt, met and exceeded what we had ever expected it to become. My longtime soulmate friend and I are absolutely estatic and have all of you to thank for it. Let's keep it growing by continuing to share our outlet with others.

Neither Here Nor There

I returned to the place where my mail is sent last night. Which would lead one to believe that I am home. Over the past week I've searched for my home though. Which explains me venturing through three states to a place I know my heart, along with my happiness has always been. Desperatly seeking to find some place of comfort, somewhere my soul could be at ease again.

I was married to a state of mind, based on what I thought my life should be. It was a 3 year comfort net that kept me. Which was neither here nor there. Faithfully I lived my life for the happiness one man brought. I can't begin to tell you the mistake that was. Not the relationship, but the loss of oneself to a relation-shit. I put aside my education, resigned from a promising job I would've been able to turn into a career, left my family, and my friends. To follow this mans pursuit of happiness, which took me far from where my life had been. I did all this so that I could build a life with someone I truly loved, and believed to be the most amazing soul I had ever encountered. Unfortunatly he was also someone who could never let go of his first love. I followed my heart though, so I have no regrets. Even if my biggest fear of being her stand in for those 3 years was realized the day she took over the home I built. Being in love is quite possibly the most fulfilling feeling in life. I am not so cynical to believe that I could never love again, but right now I feel so bruised, and broken. I feel I have nothing to offer the next man, I offered it all at one point to someone, and was rejected time and time again. How's that for a self-esteem boost? Having to realize that your best just wasn't good enough.

I drove myself straight to a place, where every street was paved with forgotten promises, every restaurant and store filled with loving memories of a not so forgotten past for me. I was able to see the snow covered trees, and sidewalks that warmed my heart every visit. As awkward as it wasn't, I realized as much as I would love to call it home again, it would never be. I spent a few days with friends, who reminded me that I am loved, and always welcomed back. Was introduced to new friends, one of which intrigued me. I even ran into my ex, and got to see his soul shine through, while he did something I've always believed he could excel in, and touch others with. But it was the glares from a certain individual that night, that forced me to look at what I was doing, and realize how selfish my return would be. I was going to make a run for it the next day and a text message stopped me. "I'm really glad you were there," was all he wrote. So I stayed for the time I had intended to.

Yesterday I endured the grueling 16 hour drive back to the location I get my mail, the place where I am surrounded on the daily by people that truly love me. Yet felt more alone then ever. Happiness for me comes at a price of hurting others, angering some, and forcing a certain individual to own up to his mistakes. All of which I believe is unfair, maybe even selfish. So I stay where I'm content, and can derive happiness from seeing the people that I love happy. Just a pointless venting session I had to get out, before my little body exploded.

apathy

Why do I have such an apathetic attitude towards my future. I have plans and desires, yet my motivation to reach and complete my goals is lacking, to say the least.
I have a lofty goal set as far as my degree is concerned... and I think my problem comes in with my current situation. Having the necessity for the full time job which I currently have (due to debt I've foolishly accrued), I am forced to go to night classes which is proving to be a difficult and lengthy process. All at the same time I'm in a position where my hearts true desire to be a wife and mother is thwarting my career ambitions. I still want to graduate and attain my numerous degrees required for my desired vocation, however, my brain is saying... "why bother? If I'm going to be at home raising children, what's the point of spending my time, money, energy, and what is left of my early twenties on this education which may never be put to practical use?"

I haven't given up on my ambitions, by any means. However circumstances have set me back even further because of stupid college course scheduling. This just adds to the frustrations!!
And as time wears on the reality of marriage and children becomes more present and pressing.

I just needed to complain...

i'd love to let you fill up the empty parts of me. hold me tight and close, get deep inside of me until it feels like we're both part of the same space and time. no fear or emptiness, just us, together. i'd love to be the one to fill up the empty parts of you, show you that there are some places that are not bottomless, and that together we can grow things that cannot be put into words out of the empty parts of us

Unreconstructed

I somehow feel comforted by empty spaces in this unfamiliar situation. No clutter, no memories. It's new and open. The only things that surround me are things I want around me. Scarcely furnitured, simple yet elegant and sophisticated... you're exactly what I needed. Overwhelmed and honey mooned. With no blinds I can see clearly to the outside. This is life. The light pole outside cries icicles but I know it will feel better by spring. Thank you for continuing to shine anyways. Though I still desire, for the the first time I feel it is all unnecessary. Who knew it would only take hardwood floors? Inside you, I am inspired. Sleeping beside you, I am inspired.

A.I.

I should've guessed this would've happened. You'd come back at just the wrong time but with all the right words. It seems I keep making left hand turns and end up right back where I started. Chameleon tongue, you spoke with hidden intentions seeking security in my insecurity. Telling me what you think I want to hear, but its really just a test. You love the sound my chains make when they rattle. You love the smell of my love so wet and eager. I silently pray that your kiss will be bitter so no more will my mind remember the soft taste of your lips on a warm spring day. I hope your hair feels brittle in my fingers and that your breasts make a lousy pillow. I need us to have nothing to talk about. I hope that everything we don't have in common drives us apart. But it won't, it can't, I won't let it happen. I continue to cling to you as desperately as a child holds onto his blanket. It makes no sense. You can no longer protect me, nor warm me, your worn and tattered. Is that what this love has become- a comfortable piece of nostalgia that has long lost its purpose. Are you simply my favorite pair of slippers with holes in the sole and my toes exposed cold but I stay foolishly faithful, unwilling to buy a new pair. Afraid if i do, if i put you aside for something better, that our memories become nought. Maybe I'm just a pack rat and your just something i don't know what to do with; like some trinket from high school or an old hat i haven't worn in 5 years. My closet will be empty without you gathering dust but i must i must.....