Safety in 1

The emptiness surrounds me comfortably like one of my dad's old sweatshirts. It always smelled like the attic old and dusty and safe. The attic was the one place where I could go to be myself. I would sit there among the junk, the past Christmas presents, outgrown clothes, and all the books I read three times.I would sit, sweat and imagine. I would imagine how much better I would be than all the grownups I saw around me. I would do it different just the way my neighbor spoke about in her high school commencement speech. The world was mine for the taking, after all the children are our future right?(guess you were too wrapped up in the present to remember that cute little slogan.)I had so many ideas that were stewing underneath the fort I made out of a tricycle and my dad's old courdoruy jackets. I would fill that jacket and those shoes that I was told were always too big for me. I would look through my attic window dusty,old and safe and I would watch the kids playing while I pondered where I would be in 10 years. Well that was 4 years ago.That was before I realized it's not worth it too ponder the future not when you two payments late on your car note and your cable is getting cut off. What if we became everything our parents wanted us to be. What if I am everything my parents wanted me to be. I don't know and I know it doesn't help to ask questions that have no answers but i can't help it. I am in my fort made of brick and all the junk I've collected over the years. My own personal attic except it lacks character and it doesn't feel safe. Its not safe because its way too real and life has answered most of the questions I've asked. Well, maybe not answered but stopped me from looking.I look outside my window and I see myself doing all the same things they are and I fucking hate my neighbor and her lies.

Mutual feelings. I just pressed back space for about 5 minutes. I had originally started this post with the very beginning. The beginning of when I felt love about 5 years ago.... with my ex fiance. The reason for the post was to share the happiness I feel now. Slowly but surely I was going to get into my new life, my new feelings. I initially wanted to start with what id been through in the past. Then I thought...why? It's not worth it. It's over. I'm never going to fully accept the happiness I feel now until I totally let go of the past. It felt great. To write it all down and then delete it all. bye bye. I was thinking I should have just left it and just started writing in a new direction but it wasn't even worth it.

Where I am now is where I want to be, no matter how I got here.

He has goals. Plans. I've seen his spreadsheets, he has it all figured out. I like that. He's incredibly sweet and thoughtful. I find him doing things that not even I would have thought of. He parties and has fun but all in excellent moderation. He's sexual in the most beautiful way when it seems perfect to be beautiful. He's sexual in the most animalistic way when it seems perfect to be animalistic. No day is the same and I never know what to expect. He's enhanced life. He doesn't ever want to be the center of my universe. He says he just wants to be an added bonus. He says he was happy before he met me but now he's happier than he'd ever been. He lets me be me... silly, extremely happy, sad, bitchy... and he loves every side. He always says... "remember how we met; we didn't really know each other but you wanted to play Frisbee and I played with you. Then you had your wisdom teeth taken out and I've never seen anything cuter in my life than your swollen cheeks and your sad face." He's intelligent about things I know nothing about and vice verse. Its a constant exchange of ideas.

I got a promotion at work. I love my job and my progress. Right now things seem tough money-wise, but I know one day my dedication to my job will pay off.

From here, this place, this place of where i want to be, there's nothing else to do but move on to the next dream. I'm happy you're here for the move.

Excerpts from my recipe box.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

WTF

WTF happened to this blog?

I hope i'm not wrong on this one.

pocket full of posies

I've spent some time considering the ways of life... here's what I've come to----->

It's much like the ocean: life is vast, deep, full of beauty, terror, and much unknown: all waiting to be washed up on our shores for us to sort through.
Life is what you make of it. An ugly oyster harbors a precious pearl if you have the patience and forbearance to ascertain it.

When given the opportunity to take a situation and turn it into a learning experience and better yet, a positive outcome, can I stand up to the challenge? Here's where I'm lacking: this is all much easier verbalized than exercised.

When you've walked the beach to the tip, and both tides meet and collide and crash with such formidable force, how many pearls will you have? How many beatiful shells, perfectly rounded stones, and meticulous sand dollars will you have collected?
Or will you have an onerous abundance of jagged rocks, broken shells, and fetid seaweed burdening your weary life-worn body?

Untitled #3

Memories fly by jerky with awkward pauses like thissssssssssssss----
Where do i fit among the the things I've made and the things i remember
Are they one in the same do not both bear my name
My shame multiplied by every dirty deed I've done every good song i sung
Is gone like thissssssssssssssss----
What is this weird scrapbook i keep changing
Aligning pictures in different spots just to fit the plot like thisssssss----
I am my Creator my Destroyer of me
Save, crop, discard, burn, move, lose, keep, CHANGE
CHANGE is the only constant is this shifting history of mine
So i am constantly changing because i am constantly changing
(My past)My past rearranged feels like living room furniture rearranged
All the same pieces present but im pointing my remote at the couch waiting for the signal to kick in like thissssssssss----
You see i see you in the present and feel nothing but the past
Embrace lost chances and pick up lost forks in the road
But all these forks do is force food down my throat and i choke like thissssssss----
Keep your fork give me a knife hard and straight and i will forge my own path
And with it i will cut out any resemblance to you
No longer will i miss what i never had no longer will i long for greener grass
I will eat what i have i will be thankful for what i got
Because its all i got
And though reality's mean dreams do not feed
No dreams keep us from whats in front of us comforting us with maybes and possibly's
Starving us elusively with promises of feasts if we hold out
Like a contestant in a game show we risk it all on a chance like thissssss----
We'll not me im taking the money and walking
No longer will i spit in the face of good fortune
After all isn't this always what i wanted and i got it
I got it or it got me but either way i get it so forget it like thisssssss----