Change is good

I took the liberty to change the look a bit. I hope no one minds. I think it's time to breathe new life into this blog. let's get writing!!!

with or without

As I take a step back and observe my life, here and now, i'm incredibly impressed by some of the people in my life, and by the lack of some I thought would be around forever... I know what happened and why they're not part of the picture, but I can't help reliving the extraction of each one. Gently reminding myself of the process of elimination. Most are painless, even a relief, some are anesthetized, and a select few leave me with a yearning in my chest and moist eyes. I know in the cases where the absence has left me dizzy, I know there was little or nothing I could have done. And had I done something, perhaps I wouldn't be here looking in on my life from a satisfied perch. I look back in particular at one love lost. From 13 to 18... My every thought was consumed by you. You crushed my naive illusion of love through email. I was angry. So angry. I couldn't imagine recovering from such a blow. Of course, I had our lives planned out together. I think that's what all teens in love do. We were Zack and Kelly, together forever... In my mind. I know why it ended, and now, nine years later I'm at a point where I'm obviously way over this, in reality I was over it fairly quickly thanks to many willing partners and experiencing lots of fun between the sheets, I actually moved on with rapid ease, I think my extreme anger and temporary hatred aided this. But, never once did I forget you... In fact, to this day we talk and laugh and carry on like the old friends we are. I tell you I love you, and you return the affection without hesitation. I tell you about the new love of my life, and with a slight tinge of jealousy and resentment you listen, and I can tell you are genuinely happy for me. You still ask me once in a while when we're going to be together, I just laugh, a little longingly, but mostly nostalgically thinking about how 14 years ago, we were going to be together forever. Your void has been filled by another. One that makes me feel even more naive and silly. Hoping for the together forever and happily every after. Maybe I'll get another email crushing those hopes yet again, but looking back, if history repeats itself, there will be another to restore those childish beliefs. And I'll look back and be grateful for the loss because the gain was so sweet. Or maybe, just maybe Zack and Kelly do make it... Only one way to find out.

7-11

I'm not going to be your 7-11 friend anymore. You may get away with your antics with your fellow restaurant staff friends that don't know any better, but me? No more. I thought I was doing the right thing, told myself that you needed me and that I should be there for you. And I was. Time and time again, I was there when you needed me and no one else was. But then I realized that my input effort in no way affected your efforts as a friend. I'm not here for you anymore. You don't get to dictate our friendship. When you miss me, remember all the times I was there, and how seldom we did something I wanted to do, or how often you came to something that was important to me. Or how about you think about the fact that you've still not met my boyfriend of three years because it's what's convenient for you. You chose marriage and you kinda chose children, if you ignore the fact that you accidentally got knocked up and then decided to get married, oh and don't forget the save the marriage baby. And i'm ok with your decisions. I was by your side through all of that, and I love your babies (more than I loved you) but when your life became the center of the universe and you started asking your husband for permission to go out with a friend, well that's where you lost me. You can manage to go out with your work friends, but the only time I fit into your life is when you want to sit on your couch and scream at your kids while we watch some awful TV. I'm all set. Thanks anyway. I've got a billion better things I could be doing. Like spending time with people that make time for me. Don't worry, when shit his the fan... I'm sure your restaurant pals will be around to pick up the pieces... Because they're such great trustworthy people. I'm not your friend of convenience any more. I've moved on.

Its been so long since I've had sex that I don't even recognize the act anymore. Sex has become something I masturbate and fantasize about rather than something I actively do. Its like the old timer watching VHS tapes of his glory days back in the big leagues. Masturbation is just messy reminiscing. Sexually

Truth at the spur of the moment

I am so fucking happy...

Cruel Monster

I am currently in a deep dark soul sucking bout of depression. The kind that makes you question everything about yourself, your life, and the people in it. Everytime this happens it feels like it will never end and everything I feel is not only true but more true than anything I feel when I'm not depressed. This is more than just crappyfeelings this comes with its own physical symptoms. I have a tightness in my chest and a shortness of breath, my head is foggy, and my nerves are constantly on edge. I want this feeling to go away more than anything. I hate it, it robs me of being myself. I feel like a morose zombie walking around nodding at others not wanting to partake in any social activity. Hating people for no reason a cloud of negativity gathers around me. I can honestly say that the majority of my 28 years on earth have been spent this way. Happiness is to me what depression is to others-fleeting, temporary and not indicative of who they are. I must beat this monster for it has already taken more from me than it ever should've.

Death Throes

We are all dying lets fuck