The words will come to me...
Lately, my thoughts and emotions are headless turkeys.
My life is passing by while I stare out the window trying to follow road signs so I don't miss my exit.
But the road signs are useless.
How did I go from being a sweet little toehead grinning princess to a confused orb of 401k, HSA, IRA, BA and any other group of numbers and letters that are supposed to mean something to me?
Somewhere between My Little Pony mornings and enrolling in a 401k my essense jumped ship. Well here I am aboard the S.S. Corporate and my first thought is to throw a life saver to my essense, but maybe my essense needs to toss me a life saver and pull me off the barge.
I want my fairy-tale ending mindset back. I don't care if there is no sparkling castle at the end for me, I want to hold onto the delusion that their could be.
I want to look at my parents like they're mommy and daddy again and not my adult peers. I want my aunts and uncles to be as cool as I thought they were.
Sounds pathetic... like a slowly chunking woman trying to squeeze into her seafoam green prom dress... its not like that though-I just want me back.
So me, listen, if you're out there swimming in the infinite sea of life.. keep an eye out for me-I may just take the plunge and join me again. I'm tired of being the hollow easter bunny with an eye missing behind the saran wrap of life. Its either I find me or I pray for the saran to fall and take my breath away and smother the misery of my seemingly disgruntled existence.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Woodstock
Over the past week I've been so depressed for the craziest reason...
I can't believe I'm even writing this-but it's anonymous, I've written worse, I suppose.
So as you may know, this past weekend marked the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. And with all the media attention it is still getting, including a new major motion picture coming out in a week, I find myself extremely depressed at the fact that I am a member of my generation.
What I wouldn't give to be able to go back in time and be at Woodstock. This massive crowd of young people gathered together in the name of music... in awful weather, shortage of food, lack of shelter... managed to coincide peacefully for a weekend.
I actually get angry thinking about the amazing talent all together for one reason-loving music. When I llok at the bands and performers of those years I laugh at what people consider "good music" today. Nickelback? Seriously?? Every one at woodstock shits all over Nickelback and Fall Out Boy and The PussyCat Dolls, and Lady effing Gaga. These aren't even musicians in my eyes. They're jokes. But what's worse... is everyone that buys into their crap!!
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Jimi Hendrix
Grateful Dead
Joan Baez
The Who
Joe Cocker
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
Johnny and Edward Winter
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????
What I can't wrap my mind around is the recent criticism and degfamation of the festiival in the current media!!
How can people (who, first of all, weren't even there) suggest that Woodstock is overhyped??
Has there EVER been such an assembly of talent since then?
If there were an equivalent today of the '69 woodstock that included today's popular music there would be more fights and deaths than you can imagine. Not to mention... a bunch of talentless attention-craving ass clowns on stage acting like primad donas and likely refusing to play in rainy conditions. Along with a bunch of pussy onlookers refusing to be out in the rain and taking it out on eachother.
I wish I had been there!
I can't believe I'm even writing this-but it's anonymous, I've written worse, I suppose.
So as you may know, this past weekend marked the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. And with all the media attention it is still getting, including a new major motion picture coming out in a week, I find myself extremely depressed at the fact that I am a member of my generation.
What I wouldn't give to be able to go back in time and be at Woodstock. This massive crowd of young people gathered together in the name of music... in awful weather, shortage of food, lack of shelter... managed to coincide peacefully for a weekend.
I actually get angry thinking about the amazing talent all together for one reason-loving music. When I llok at the bands and performers of those years I laugh at what people consider "good music" today. Nickelback? Seriously?? Every one at woodstock shits all over Nickelback and Fall Out Boy and The PussyCat Dolls, and Lady effing Gaga. These aren't even musicians in my eyes. They're jokes. But what's worse... is everyone that buys into their crap!!
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Jimi Hendrix
Grateful Dead
Joan Baez
The Who
Joe Cocker
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
Johnny and Edward Winter
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????
What I can't wrap my mind around is the recent criticism and degfamation of the festiival in the current media!!
How can people (who, first of all, weren't even there) suggest that Woodstock is overhyped??
Has there EVER been such an assembly of talent since then?
If there were an equivalent today of the '69 woodstock that included today's popular music there would be more fights and deaths than you can imagine. Not to mention... a bunch of talentless attention-craving ass clowns on stage acting like primad donas and likely refusing to play in rainy conditions. Along with a bunch of pussy onlookers refusing to be out in the rain and taking it out on eachother.
I wish I had been there!
we're too different
the other night as i sat across the table from you at dinner
you finally opened up to me about what happened to you
"i'm damaged goods" you said. "the only person i've talked to about this in 3 years is dead." you probably should go to therapy.
i offered to listen to you so you can talk to someone about it
but i could see the gears turning in your mind as you disregarded that option
you told me that you had put your heart on the line and she broke you
and to this day you're still so angry
three years later
even though she's marrying someone else
you said that you didn't care for a long time. about anyone except yourself.
and you used girls to your advantage even though you didn't give a shit about them
you looked me right in the eye and said "you're all the same. you all think you're the one who is going to fix me."
i was taken aback because that was perhaps the most honest thing you've said to me in ten years.
and the worst part about it is that i used to be one of those girls.
who fought to keep you
until i realized you weren't the person i thought you were and that we're too different
however. you still don't know to this day what you did to me
you said "i don't know what i did to deserve to be hurt so much."
you don't know. to this day.
i felt like screaming "IT WAS ME. YOU HURT ME!!!"
how could you not know?!?!
i loved you for six years. SIX YEARS!
thank God that part of my life is over.
karma is a bitch. and i am too for thinking you got what you deserved
for never loving me back
all in all i'm glad i'm over that part of my life
just boggles my mind you still don't have a clue
i'm better off and i've grown up since then
but how can you still not know?
you finally opened up to me about what happened to you
"i'm damaged goods" you said. "the only person i've talked to about this in 3 years is dead." you probably should go to therapy.
i offered to listen to you so you can talk to someone about it
but i could see the gears turning in your mind as you disregarded that option
you told me that you had put your heart on the line and she broke you
and to this day you're still so angry
three years later
even though she's marrying someone else
you said that you didn't care for a long time. about anyone except yourself.
and you used girls to your advantage even though you didn't give a shit about them
you looked me right in the eye and said "you're all the same. you all think you're the one who is going to fix me."
i was taken aback because that was perhaps the most honest thing you've said to me in ten years.
and the worst part about it is that i used to be one of those girls.
who fought to keep you
until i realized you weren't the person i thought you were and that we're too different
however. you still don't know to this day what you did to me
you said "i don't know what i did to deserve to be hurt so much."
you don't know. to this day.
i felt like screaming "IT WAS ME. YOU HURT ME!!!"
how could you not know?!?!
i loved you for six years. SIX YEARS!
thank God that part of my life is over.
karma is a bitch. and i am too for thinking you got what you deserved
for never loving me back
all in all i'm glad i'm over that part of my life
just boggles my mind you still don't have a clue
i'm better off and i've grown up since then
but how can you still not know?
weight on my back
Caramel colored hair
Deliciously plump pale pink lips
Sense of humor that tickles my innards
A touch that could melt the Arctic ice caps
A passion for all things similar that makes my heart race
And a longing for another girl...
You're blazing blue eyes look for her
Your sad heart waits for her texts
But your confused mind calls to me for comfort and advice
Stop confusing me.
What am I saying? I have someone
Someone who loves me, wants me, and needs me
The way we all dream of as little girls
And all I can think about is how I'd rather it was him...
I do love the one I'm with.
Will I ever be satisfied?
If I had the one I so longed for...
Would there be another along the way I'd rather have?
And why do I say have?
Like you're MINE.
How sick.
Where is my mind lately?
Deliciously plump pale pink lips
Sense of humor that tickles my innards
A touch that could melt the Arctic ice caps
A passion for all things similar that makes my heart race
And a longing for another girl...
You're blazing blue eyes look for her
Your sad heart waits for her texts
But your confused mind calls to me for comfort and advice
Stop confusing me.
What am I saying? I have someone
Someone who loves me, wants me, and needs me
The way we all dream of as little girls
And all I can think about is how I'd rather it was him...
I do love the one I'm with.
Will I ever be satisfied?
If I had the one I so longed for...
Would there be another along the way I'd rather have?
And why do I say have?
Like you're MINE.
How sick.
Where is my mind lately?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Fans
nothing beats it
the rush, the lights, the people screaming your name as you walk onto stage
part of me was born to be a rock star
i even play the part with crazy rings and too much dark eye makeup
and i love it
when the fans sing your lyrics that you spent hours
agonizing over
in the basement with electric glowing lamps and reverb
and the smell of pot permeates the vibrations of the bass
i almost want to pick up smoking to complete the image
someone pass me a clove
and give me the mic
so i can try my best to sound like susan tedeschi
downing shots of honey to coat my throat so i can hit all the right notes
feels so good to lean on my guitarist as he plays and i sing
its a lifestyle i never want to lose
the fans make it. but you make it your own.
the rush, the lights, the people screaming your name as you walk onto stage
part of me was born to be a rock star
i even play the part with crazy rings and too much dark eye makeup
and i love it
when the fans sing your lyrics that you spent hours
agonizing over
in the basement with electric glowing lamps and reverb
and the smell of pot permeates the vibrations of the bass
i almost want to pick up smoking to complete the image
someone pass me a clove
and give me the mic
so i can try my best to sound like susan tedeschi
downing shots of honey to coat my throat so i can hit all the right notes
feels so good to lean on my guitarist as he plays and i sing
its a lifestyle i never want to lose
the fans make it. but you make it your own.
Monday, August 17, 2009
heart locket... go figure
When I was a little girl, my favorite piece of jewelry was my heart locket. I thought it was so mysterious that you could keep a tiny picture inside, locked up, only for you to know about unless you wanted to share what was inside with someone else.
Here I am... 20-something and my heart locket is still my favorite, only it's not a piece of jewelry now. It's emotional hardware. Locked, sealed, hanging around my neck, resting on my chest.
Every time I open the locket my life does a tailspin that leaves me dizzy and sick to my stomach with the ever-repeating never-answered question ringing in my head "why did I open my locket?"
It's like the locket... there's 2 sides. Two convenient, or not so convenient compartments. On one hand I hate when my locket is closed. It's a lonely cold feeling, like being hidden in the dark corner of my musty basement I was so terrified of when I was little. That icky, all alone, dark, unsafe, jittery feeling. And then the locket is open and it's that very opposite public feeling. Like feeling naked in front of your junior class in high school with a big zit on your nose and your weird birth mark only your mom and dad know about. That exposed, embarrassed, all-to-intimate feeling you try so intensely claw and scrape away from.
Once the locket is opened you're left with a scraped knee and elbow, stinging, dirty, with bits and pieces of dirt left to remind you that it was you that opened the locket in the first place.
Here I am... 20-something and my heart locket is still my favorite, only it's not a piece of jewelry now. It's emotional hardware. Locked, sealed, hanging around my neck, resting on my chest.
Every time I open the locket my life does a tailspin that leaves me dizzy and sick to my stomach with the ever-repeating never-answered question ringing in my head "why did I open my locket?"
It's like the locket... there's 2 sides. Two convenient, or not so convenient compartments. On one hand I hate when my locket is closed. It's a lonely cold feeling, like being hidden in the dark corner of my musty basement I was so terrified of when I was little. That icky, all alone, dark, unsafe, jittery feeling. And then the locket is open and it's that very opposite public feeling. Like feeling naked in front of your junior class in high school with a big zit on your nose and your weird birth mark only your mom and dad know about. That exposed, embarrassed, all-to-intimate feeling you try so intensely claw and scrape away from.
Once the locket is opened you're left with a scraped knee and elbow, stinging, dirty, with bits and pieces of dirt left to remind you that it was you that opened the locket in the first place.
Dear Andy
you died last week.
from stage 4 melanoma.
you were 27
i wish i had known you better
although i feel as if i did know you to some extent
i sat next to you for an entire year in every class
for the first year of law school
before you were diagnosed
and my mind would wander back to you sometimes
wonder what would have happened if you hadn't had cancer
you were tall dark and handsome
i had a small crush on you that would have made you blush if you had known
you had these amazing hands that seemed so competent
and your eyes- you could get lost in them and every time i looked in them it was a comfort to me
you said i was beautiful. you said it twice to me. i'll never forget. you said it so casually like it was meant for me only. yet it was in front of others
i loved the way you were so calm and your sarcasm and humor was so contagious
your voice was always steady no matter what. as if nothing could break you
and then something did.
you fought for two years. with a strength that no one could have had
i used to ask God to take away some of your pain and give it to me because I could handle it. my body was stronger and i wanted to alleviate some of your suffering.
I didn't go to your funeral or your wake. I wanted to. But in the end I didn't want to remember you like that. I wanted my tall dark handsome friend back. And my last memory of you is in my car laughing. I'll keep that with me always. I wish.... I wish alot of things.
I know you're out of pain now. And I hope you're in a better place. You didn't get a fair shot at this life. I hope you're next one is better and that maybe I'll bump into you in the next. I hope I do.
I miss you Andy
I'll always miss you.
If God has a plan for you than your next life will probably be pretty amazing.
I'll carry you with me always.
A little piece of you in my heart.
from stage 4 melanoma.
you were 27
i wish i had known you better
although i feel as if i did know you to some extent
i sat next to you for an entire year in every class
for the first year of law school
before you were diagnosed
and my mind would wander back to you sometimes
wonder what would have happened if you hadn't had cancer
you were tall dark and handsome
i had a small crush on you that would have made you blush if you had known
you had these amazing hands that seemed so competent
and your eyes- you could get lost in them and every time i looked in them it was a comfort to me
you said i was beautiful. you said it twice to me. i'll never forget. you said it so casually like it was meant for me only. yet it was in front of others
i loved the way you were so calm and your sarcasm and humor was so contagious
your voice was always steady no matter what. as if nothing could break you
and then something did.
you fought for two years. with a strength that no one could have had
i used to ask God to take away some of your pain and give it to me because I could handle it. my body was stronger and i wanted to alleviate some of your suffering.
I didn't go to your funeral or your wake. I wanted to. But in the end I didn't want to remember you like that. I wanted my tall dark handsome friend back. And my last memory of you is in my car laughing. I'll keep that with me always. I wish.... I wish alot of things.
I know you're out of pain now. And I hope you're in a better place. You didn't get a fair shot at this life. I hope you're next one is better and that maybe I'll bump into you in the next. I hope I do.
I miss you Andy
I'll always miss you.
If God has a plan for you than your next life will probably be pretty amazing.
I'll carry you with me always.
A little piece of you in my heart.
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