The "Un"Luckiest man in the world.

I just realized that in my lifetime I have survived a lot. I consider myself lucky considering all I've been through. Now I haven't had cancer or anything like that but I've had a comical list of injuries, deformities, infections and accidents. Lets count them off. When I was two I got scarlet fever and also lost a testicle due to UTI. In 6th grade I got mono and was out of school for two months. Also around that time I busted my head open for the first of 5 times. The summer before my senior year I cut off a 1/4 inch of my left middle finger. That summer I would also be in the first of 5 car accidents. In college I got arrested and kicked out of college for marijuana. In the military I ended up in rehab for alcohol. I've also gotten MRSA, a deadly infection that kills more people annually in the U.S. than HIV, and an eye infection that scarred my cornea. I've had sex with a women that had a herpes outbreak while we were having sex, without a condom I might add. I somehow didn't contract herpes. Most recently while I was stationed in Liberia I caught malaria. Besides all this I've literally shit my pants 4 or 5 times as an adult, most famously in the deans office while I was being kicked out of Liberty University. I've been in two car accidents in 3 days both of which ended up with the vehicles being totaled but no one being hurt. I can't tell if God is punking me or watching over me while I step out blind over the edge. Somehow I think its latter not the former. I am thankful that these misadventures have made me a better person, more interesting, a great storyteller, and one of the funniest people I know.....If bad shit has happened to you please right about it. Your fail is comedy gold for the rest of us.

Losing Hope is where all my dreams lay

Fuck dreams. Let them go. This isn't a rant because I didn't make it. This is the truth dreams don't matter. Embrace who you are in the moment in the here and now and not who you one day won't be. You won't make it to the NBA, your not going to be a writer, or a poet, or anything "special" Fuck it I hate to be the one to break it to you but your really not even that different. I know it stings a little bit dont it. Well its the truth and you know what its ok. Your normal and your alive isn't that enough. Why do we put this insane pressure on ourselves to have this crazy existence when certain things just aren't possible. Don't be disappointed in the things that will never happen. Embrace being a "loser" a "dropout" a "failure" its so freeing. Don't have expectations just do.

why can't I just say...

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.


This is so easy to type... over and over and over... and I can't say it to you once... even though its's what I'm dying to do.

I love your smile
I love your hair
I love your blue eyes
I love your delicious lips
I love the way you drive
I love your snore
I love falling asleep in your arms
I love your laugh
I love your arms
I love your legs
I love the way you make me feel all right
I love the way you smell
I love your voice
I LOVE YOU.
I love that we never run out of things to say
I love how you say my name
I love how you rub my head when you're concerned
I love late night coffee cruises
I love getting stoned with you
I love your angry face
I love your ridiculous jokes
I love your crazy impressions
I LOVE YOU...

"waiting for my real life to begin"

This feeling of constant unrest... uncertainty about life and all It's little surprises and letdown... is really wearing me thin. And I sit and wait for something to change... for something to happen instead of making a change or make something happen. But I've grown so apathetic towards my life that I don't think I could make a change to it, even if I wanted to. Twice in the past 3 days I have discussed the same thing with 2 different friends, and not to my surprise at all, both conversations were identical. I asked an old friend "is this where you thought you'd be ten years ago?" And just last night another friend asked me the same thing. The answer was unanimously "no" none of us would have ever believed this is where we would be if you asked us 10 years ago.

There are too many options in life. How can we be expected to choose a career and commit ourselves to years of schooling only to obtain a degree and either hate the profession all together or not even be able to land a job in out area of expertise??? It seems asinine!! I can't justify spending the time, effort, and money on something that's likely to disappoint. I guess that's a piss poor Outlook on it all... but hey it's fuckin realistic.

So for now... I'll continue to smoke my cigarettes, listen to music that takes me back to a carefree time in my life, and just scrape by with my lousy paying job, and take my college classes one at a time until a degree in anything falls into my lap. Thank heavens for beer, pot, cigarettes, and equally disappointed, disgruntled, confused, and apathetic friends.

someone's knocking at the door

As I lie awake in bed... at 2am... on a Saturday... after not going out-my mind does a lot of wandering and stumbles upon some strange things.
So I'm here, thinking about this person who for the past 9 months of my life has become a much-needed friend and an outlet for my intellectual conversations that none of my other friends have the capacity to handle. In the meantime-I went and fell in love with him. But I can't seem to let my guard down. I'm so uptight and closed off when I'm with him that I'm quite positive he thinks I have zero interest in him (other than in a physical way-like making out in the car as if we were in high school-which is even more fun with highschool so far behind-something about being an adult and acting like a teen makes up for the adult shit we have to deal with daily) but anyway-I'm so guarded with him that I feel almost like he doesn't even know me. And the most insane part of this is... I JUST realized tonight, now, while lying in bed that the reason this 'friendship' is still just a friendship is because of me. For the past several months I've been thinking to myself "what's wrong with this dude? I'm obviously showing interest and he's just pussy-footing around the matter" WELP it's because I'm so intent on keeping my emotions on lock-down for fear of letting anyone get close to me again that he must think I've stashed him in the friend zone.

OK-so now that I've discovered this wonderful hidden fact that I have an extreme fear of emotional intimacy-I just need to figure out how to unburden myself of this armor and let him in a little... without appearing desparate...or crazy...or psycho. Gonna be more work than I thought-especially since this barrier runs thick.

Up In the Air

Don't know where to start this one. Which is funny because it really doesn't have a beginning or an end. Its always in the middle. I'm always smack dab in the middle of crisis and conflict but, never resolution. Just questions with no answers. I must hate stability. Even as I'm writing this, this is not the direction I wanted to go in when I sat down and put my hands to the keys. But away we go. Just finished watching "Up in the Air" and as most movies I tend to enjoy I am both contemplative and depressed. I think those two things are mutually exclusive. Enlightenment comes to those who stop looking for it. I spend so much time in the rear view mirror deciphering the road I just traveled that I forget where I am and whats ahead of me. Back to the point that I gleaned from "Up in the Air". What if kids don't save me? We(at least I hope its we and not just me)are looking for salvation from outside sources. Whether it be a job, institution, person, or geographical location. We are always waiting for something else to rescue us. I've tried geographical location and institution and they haven't worked, at least not in the long term. I may have felt different but given enough time I'm still me. The circumstances might change but my internal dialogue remains the same.(Side note I'm beginning to think I may not even be suitable for the workforce I have absolutely no drive, don't enjoy my job, and don't understand those that do) So basically I have this theory that I will wait for my kids to save me(considering I find a woman and settle down)This is the same thinking that I used when joining the Air Force. The Air force would change me and rescue me from myself(my internal dialogue tells me that left to my own devices I will self destruct)but it didn't so my last option for outside salvation is my own progeny. That's my last firewall- a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to try harder, a purpose even if temporary and invented is better than no purpose at all, at least thats what I tell myself. However what happens when that fades away or what if it has no effect on me at all. This is what worries me. At 27 I know who I am and that's the scary part because without some outside source I'm fucked. I know I dont have "IT" in me. Whatever "IT" is that makes people be successful, pushes them to push themselves, and makes them to function at a high level in society, I simply dont have. I dont know if I ever had it or I simply lost it but I am aware of it and truthfully it sucks. Hope used to get me by but I no longer have hope that it will ever be any different.

Reggie Watts

Keep it weird in introspect
Forget what you remember
Why is it always short May's and wicked long Decembers
So make it last while you can
Roll the credits while it fades to black
Hold the hand that holds you back
Move on and press rewind
Be bold but dont forget your lines
The truth is hidden in our eyes
So act it out for me
In your well rehearsed spontaniety
But dont expect me to recognize the (F)ACT.