Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Knot what you think
I opened the door, blindsided by a sight I couldn't have imagined... I saw myself hanging lifeless, dangling like an air freshener from a rearview mirror. A chair lying on it's side, a neatly folded note displayed prominently, both beneath my paled swaying body. As I stare from the doorway, barely able to stand-my knees on the verge of buckling with every blink of my eyes, I think to myself, "how could it have come to this? Could it really have been so bad?" I'm not breathing... suddenly I violently gasp for air and both hands fly to my chest as if to assist with the breaths. All the while I gawk at my life hanging before me, incapable of moving. I look away and my eyes land on the perfectly creased note... I can't read it. I don't want to know how awful it was, knowing what brought me to this place of desperation could do no good. I instinctively scan the room, eyes darting every direction-never landing on the same spot twice, until... I see it... a large knife on the counter. Cold sweat, shaking hands, numb fingers and toes, I manage to grab the knife. The room is now spinning like the teacup ride at Disney. Dizzy nausea knocks me between the eyes and rolls down to my gut. I move mechanically towards myself hanging from the rafter. After picking up the chair and slowly finding my way to a standing position on the chair-I grab the rope that choked the life out of me and begin to saw at it with the knife in my hand. Not even realizing what I was doing, I watched the strength of the rope deteriorate and think to myself that was exactly what happened to my life. It was sawed at, gnawed, gnarled, and weakened to the point where it could bear no more weight. My arm saws without stopping... and I am awakened from my daze by the thump of my cold, stiff corpse. The thump seemed to echo for minutes... realizing how heavy the weight of the world felt day in and day out-I began to tie a new knot to match the one in my stomach, and looped it around my neck. While the breath escaped my lungs and none returned, the pain I was feeling right then and there was a comfort I could not have expressed.