Thursday, August 20, 2009

grey matter

The words will come to me...

Lately, my thoughts and emotions are headless turkeys.
My life is passing by while I stare out the window trying to follow road signs so I don't miss my exit.
But the road signs are useless.
How did I go from being a sweet little toehead grinning princess to a confused orb of 401k, HSA, IRA, BA and any other group of numbers and letters that are supposed to mean something to me?
Somewhere between My Little Pony mornings and enrolling in a 401k my essense jumped ship. Well here I am aboard the S.S. Corporate and my first thought is to throw a life saver to my essense, but maybe my essense needs to toss me a life saver and pull me off the barge.

I want my fairy-tale ending mindset back. I don't care if there is no sparkling castle at the end for me, I want to hold onto the delusion that their could be.
I want to look at my parents like they're mommy and daddy again and not my adult peers. I want my aunts and uncles to be as cool as I thought they were.
Sounds pathetic... like a slowly chunking woman trying to squeeze into her seafoam green prom dress... its not like that though-I just want me back.

So me, listen, if you're out there swimming in the infinite sea of life.. keep an eye out for me-I may just take the plunge and join me again. I'm tired of being the hollow easter bunny with an eye missing behind the saran wrap of life. Its either I find me or I pray for the saran to fall and take my breath away and smother the misery of my seemingly disgruntled existence.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Over the past week I've been so depressed for the craziest reason...
I can't believe I'm even writing this-but it's anonymous, I've written worse, I suppose.
So as you may know, this past weekend marked the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. And with all the media attention it is still getting, including a new major motion picture coming out in a week, I find myself extremely depressed at the fact that I am a member of my generation.
What I wouldn't give to be able to go back in time and be at Woodstock. This massive crowd of young people gathered together in the name of music... in awful weather, shortage of food, lack of shelter... managed to coincide peacefully for a weekend.
I actually get angry thinking about the amazing talent all together for one reason-loving music. When I llok at the bands and performers of those years I laugh at what people consider "good music" today. Nickelback? Seriously?? Every one at woodstock shits all over Nickelback and Fall Out Boy and The PussyCat Dolls, and Lady effing Gaga. These aren't even musicians in my eyes. They're jokes. But what's worse... is everyone that buys into their crap!!

Creedence Clearwater Revival
Jimi Hendrix
Grateful Dead
Joan Baez
The Who
Joe Cocker
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
Johnny and Edward Winter

What I can't wrap my mind around is the recent criticism and degfamation of the festiival in the current media!!
How can people (who, first of all, weren't even there) suggest that Woodstock is overhyped??
Has there EVER been such an assembly of talent since then?
If there were an equivalent today of the '69 woodstock that included today's popular music there would be more fights and deaths than you can imagine. Not to mention... a bunch of talentless attention-craving ass clowns on stage acting like primad donas and likely refusing to play in rainy conditions. Along with a bunch of pussy onlookers refusing to be out in the rain and taking it out on eachother.

I wish I had been there!

we're too different

the other night as i sat across the table from you at dinner
you finally opened up to me about what happened to you
"i'm damaged goods" you said. "the only person i've talked to about this in 3 years is dead." you probably should go to therapy.
i offered to listen to you so you can talk to someone about it
but i could see the gears turning in your mind as you disregarded that option
you told me that you had put your heart on the line and she broke you
and to this day you're still so angry
three years later
even though she's marrying someone else
you said that you didn't care for a long time. about anyone except yourself.
and you used girls to your advantage even though you didn't give a shit about them
you looked me right in the eye and said "you're all the same. you all think you're the one who is going to fix me."
i was taken aback because that was perhaps the most honest thing you've said to me in ten years.
and the worst part about it is that i used to be one of those girls.
who fought to keep you
until i realized you weren't the person i thought you were and that we're too different
however. you still don't know to this day what you did to me
you said "i don't know what i did to deserve to be hurt so much."
you don't know. to this day.
i felt like screaming "IT WAS ME. YOU HURT ME!!!"
how could you not know?!?!
i loved you for six years. SIX YEARS!
thank God that part of my life is over.
karma is a bitch. and i am too for thinking you got what you deserved
for never loving me back
all in all i'm glad i'm over that part of my life
just boggles my mind you still don't have a clue
i'm better off and i've grown up since then
but how can you still not know?

weight on my back

Caramel colored hair
Deliciously plump pale pink lips
Sense of humor that tickles my innards
A touch that could melt the Arctic ice caps
A passion for all things similar that makes my heart race
And a longing for another girl...
You're blazing blue eyes look for her
Your sad heart waits for her texts
But your confused mind calls to me for comfort and advice
Stop confusing me.

What am I saying? I have someone
Someone who loves me, wants me, and needs me
The way we all dream of as little girls
And all I can think about is how I'd rather it was him...
I do love the one I'm with.
Will I ever be satisfied?

If I had the one I so longed for...
Would there be another along the way I'd rather have?
And why do I say have?
Like you're MINE.
How sick.
Where is my mind lately?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


nothing beats it
the rush, the lights, the people screaming your name as you walk onto stage
part of me was born to be a rock star
i even play the part with crazy rings and too much dark eye makeup
and i love it
when the fans sing your lyrics that you spent hours
agonizing over
in the basement with electric glowing lamps and reverb
and the smell of pot permeates the vibrations of the bass
i almost want to pick up smoking to complete the image
someone pass me a clove
and give me the mic
so i can try my best to sound like susan tedeschi
downing shots of honey to coat my throat so i can hit all the right notes
feels so good to lean on my guitarist as he plays and i sing
its a lifestyle i never want to lose
the fans make it. but you make it your own.

Monday, August 17, 2009

heart locket... go figure

When I was a little girl, my favorite piece of jewelry was my heart locket. I thought it was so mysterious that you could keep a tiny picture inside, locked up, only for you to know about unless you wanted to share what was inside with someone else.
Here I am... 20-something and my heart locket is still my favorite, only it's not a piece of jewelry now. It's emotional hardware. Locked, sealed, hanging around my neck, resting on my chest.
Every time I open the locket my life does a tailspin that leaves me dizzy and sick to my stomach with the ever-repeating never-answered question ringing in my head "why did I open my locket?"

It's like the locket... there's 2 sides. Two convenient, or not so convenient compartments. On one hand I hate when my locket is closed. It's a lonely cold feeling, like being hidden in the dark corner of my musty basement I was so terrified of when I was little. That icky, all alone, dark, unsafe, jittery feeling. And then the locket is open and it's that very opposite public feeling. Like feeling naked in front of your junior class in high school with a big zit on your nose and your weird birth mark only your mom and dad know about. That exposed, embarrassed, all-to-intimate feeling you try so intensely claw and scrape away from.
Once the locket is opened you're left with a scraped knee and elbow, stinging, dirty, with bits and pieces of dirt left to remind you that it was you that opened the locket in the first place.

Dear Andy

you died last week.
from stage 4 melanoma.
you were 27
i wish i had known you better
although i feel as if i did know you to some extent
i sat next to you for an entire year in every class
for the first year of law school
before you were diagnosed
and my mind would wander back to you sometimes
wonder what would have happened if you hadn't had cancer
you were tall dark and handsome
i had a small crush on you that would have made you blush if you had known
you had these amazing hands that seemed so competent
and your eyes- you could get lost in them and every time i looked in them it was a comfort to me
you said i was beautiful. you said it twice to me. i'll never forget. you said it so casually like it was meant for me only. yet it was in front of others
i loved the way you were so calm and your sarcasm and humor was so contagious
your voice was always steady no matter what. as if nothing could break you
and then something did.
you fought for two years. with a strength that no one could have had
i used to ask God to take away some of your pain and give it to me because I could handle it. my body was stronger and i wanted to alleviate some of your suffering.
I didn't go to your funeral or your wake. I wanted to. But in the end I didn't want to remember you like that. I wanted my tall dark handsome friend back. And my last memory of you is in my car laughing. I'll keep that with me always. I wish.... I wish alot of things.
I know you're out of pain now. And I hope you're in a better place. You didn't get a fair shot at this life. I hope you're next one is better and that maybe I'll bump into you in the next. I hope I do.
I miss you Andy
I'll always miss you.
If God has a plan for you than your next life will probably be pretty amazing.
I'll carry you with me always.
A little piece of you in my heart.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

True Love Way

nostalgia is a bitch sometimes
in love and scared i have to make a decision
that may change my life and everyone in it
i've never been faithful to anyone except myself
ive done what i wanted and never looked back
looking back means regret
you keep your life separated because its easier
to do what you want
i have to make a decision
that may un-separate everything and put it all together
for once
i'm scared shitless
this may be the end of my life and the beginning of something else
a new one? all i've known is the last. separate is easy and its what i know
bringing everything together is whats hard
am i ready? do i take the leap?

How Long Do I

hold onto something even though I know it goes nowhere every time? When do I cut myself off? Can I? Addiction is a harsh word and yet its so appropriate. I can't even call you for fear of getting too connected and involved. "It's not my place" I tell myself and that you've made a choice for worse or for better. Yet I can't. quite. let. go. How can you cut someone off who is one of only a handful of people that you can spend hours talking to and feel as if only 5 min have gone by? Impossible. I know. I KNOW we could never be together. I don't even know if it would work. Don't even know if I want you in that way (sexual attraction aside). I feel we're too similar in some aspects- we'd drive each other crazy with our "what ifs" and generalizations about the world around us. We'd either talk each other to death or have way too much sex and get nothing done. I would be the epitome of satisfied around you. Like a cat with an endless supply of cream. And I wonder if that's even a bad thing- are you supposed to suffer a bit for the overall satisfaction of life? All I know is this: I just want, crave, need the connection we have. Because I don't have it with anyone else and why would I want to anyway. No one else makes me think the way you do; makes me wonder about things the way you do. How do you shut yourself off from that? I can't. Straight up. I'm an addict and I barely talk to you. I wonder what would happen if we ever spent more than a few hours in each others' company. Well. I know what would happen. Hence the reason we really can't or shouldn't. If nothing else remember this: I wish you the best of happiness in whatever you do. You're a muse in all things for me. I feel more connected to everything when I talk to you. So in that sense I love you for who you are and just hope that you don't lose yourself along the way. Because it would be a tragedy to leave the person you are now behind. No matter what happens remember that above all else. And when we're 80 and geriatric you'll be the first person I look for to tell about my life. Because we'd be pretty hilarious and even more long-winded by that time. I'm going to need you eventually. I hope you show up when I do. The ultimate redemption- thats what I would call it. You know why. And so, for now- continue texting.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I I Lines:polar

Parallel:1)extending in the same direction, equidistant at all points, and never converging or diverging
2)having the same direction, course, nature, or tendency; corresponding; similar; analogous
Both definitions suffice, yet I like the 2nd definition better. I feel that's why I can't let go, no matter how distant or how much I try. We are like magnets sometimes pulling towards each other, but if one of us turns the other way, or we get to close we repulse each other. Never converging no matter how close we get it. 5 years. 5 long weird years and you are one part of my life that is like this little hidden secret. Well I guess that's because you've never been part of my life. I don't say that to be harsh, it's simply a fact. Yet, I feel like I've carried you everywhere I've ever gone to. Every tune I've heard you've heard it to, any movie that's moved me to tears or kept me up at night I know you've seen it to. At least that's what I told myself imagining you there with me enjoying the same thing for the same reasons. Sure, there were times I forgot about you or it didn't matter as much but you were probably just as equidistant. However you always comeback like a migraine headache just something I know that I will always deal with. So the phone calls have been replaced with texts because just like tequila I know if I have too much of you I'll wake up with a hangover. You have always been my idea, my grand unfair unfathomable idea. And sometimes I treat you like an idea instead of a person. I use you but don't know you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just wicked lonely and your the closest thing to what I think I want. Why in 5 years are you both in my life at the same exact fucking capacity. Was I that vulnerable and impressionable at that point in my life. Is that all this is, something I cant shake like a bad cold or a chronic disease. Is our relationship parallel to my other relationship. A piece of nostalgia that I don't know what to do with. There have been more bad memories, frustrations, and hurt than there has been good times and laughs. So what brings us back, back to these same ever extending lines. Why do we do this strange hurtful dance. For every good move I make I step on your feet twice. Sometimes i just wished you hate me and vice a versa. But, hates too strong a word and so is love so what is this. This sickness with no name this mutual attraction,.... apathetic love? I don't know if I'm more afraid that you could never be everything that I want and need or that you COULD be everything that I want and need. I almost told you I loved you but what good would it have done. I don't know if I would know what to do with it. How much longer can this go on. This mutual torturing. It can't last forever, or can it. I would be fine with X or \/ but I don't know how much longer I can with these haunting II lines.

Safety in 1

The emptiness surrounds me comfortably like one of my dad's old sweatshirts. It always smelled like the attic old and dusty and safe. The attic was the one place where I could go to be myself. I would sit there among the junk, the past Christmas presents, outgrown clothes, and all the books I read three times.I would sit, sweat and imagine. I would imagine how much better I would be than all the grownups I saw around me. I would do it different just the way my neighbor spoke about in her high school commencement speech. The world was mine for the taking, after all the children are our future right?(guess you were too wrapped up in the present to remember that cute little slogan.)I had so many ideas that were stewing underneath the fort I made out of a tricycle and my dad's old courdoruy jackets. I would fill that jacket and those shoes that I was told were always too big for me. I would look through my attic window dusty,old and safe and I would watch the kids playing while I pondered where I would be in 10 years. Well that was 4 years ago.That was before I realized it's not worth it too ponder the future not when you two payments late on your car note and your cable is getting cut off. What if we became everything our parents wanted us to be. What if I am everything my parents wanted me to be. I don't know and I know it doesn't help to ask questions that have no answers but i can't help it. I am in my fort made of brick and all the junk I've collected over the years. My own personal attic except it lacks character and it doesn't feel safe. Its not safe because its way too real and life has answered most of the questions I've asked. Well, maybe not answered but stopped me from looking.I look outside my window and I see myself doing all the same things they are and I fucking hate my neighbor and her lies.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Mutual feelings. I just pressed back space for about 5 minutes. I had originally started this post with the very beginning. The beginning of when I felt love about 5 years ago.... with my ex fiance. The reason for the post was to share the happiness I feel now. Slowly but surely I was going to get into my new life, my new feelings. I initially wanted to start with what id been through in the past. Then I thought...why? It's not worth it. It's over. I'm never going to fully accept the happiness I feel now until I totally let go of the past. It felt great. To write it all down and then delete it all. bye bye. I was thinking I should have just left it and just started writing in a new direction but it wasn't even worth it.

Where I am now is where I want to be, no matter how I got here.

He has goals. Plans. I've seen his spreadsheets, he has it all figured out. I like that. He's incredibly sweet and thoughtful. I find him doing things that not even I would have thought of. He parties and has fun but all in excellent moderation. He's sexual in the most beautiful way when it seems perfect to be beautiful. He's sexual in the most animalistic way when it seems perfect to be animalistic. No day is the same and I never know what to expect. He's enhanced life. He doesn't ever want to be the center of my universe. He says he just wants to be an added bonus. He says he was happy before he met me but now he's happier than he'd ever been. He lets me be me... silly, extremely happy, sad, bitchy... and he loves every side. He always says... "remember how we met; we didn't really know each other but you wanted to play Frisbee and I played with you. Then you had your wisdom teeth taken out and I've never seen anything cuter in my life than your swollen cheeks and your sad face." He's intelligent about things I know nothing about and vice verse. Its a constant exchange of ideas.

I got a promotion at work. I love my job and my progress. Right now things seem tough money-wise, but I know one day my dedication to my job will pay off.

From here, this place, this place of where i want to be, there's nothing else to do but move on to the next dream. I'm happy you're here for the move.