Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
But can you stand up when your backs against the rope?
With the whole crowd cheering, but they want you to choke?
Can you love without reason?
When it's not deserved but there's still hope?
Most people lack the courage to love, or are just plain scared.
Human nature is designed to be survival of the fittest,
to forge ahead with your best foot forward.
But love is the complete opposite. Love tells you to be vulnerable.
To let someone see you uninhibited, in all your weaknesses.
So I challenge everyone to love with all their heart.
To immerse themselves in someone else,
but to never lose sight of the things that make you whole.
Even if the love goes south to never regret one single moment spent.
Some people go their whole lives without experiencing love,
and they're no better off then those who have loved and lost.
Some people that experience it turn bitter and cold.
But I wouldn't trade the pain, if it meant I'd have to erase the memories.
Some people never realize that the time spent in love was enough.
My heart may be tattered and torn, but it holds true beauty.
For I have loved with all my heart, and I regret nothing.
I know I'm not the only one in the willowchronicles nurturing a broken heart, but there is a silver lining in every storm. There is always hope. Life has a funny way of working out what you swore couldn't. What's truly meant to be will always find it's way, as cliched at it may sound. Things need to happen in their own time, because if they don't they're made to be, and not meant to be...
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
What should have been an exciting and wonderful moment in my life to look forward to, you made a painful, revolting memory that I wish I could erase.
It sounds so cliche to say that you stole my innocence... but that's exactly what happened. My girlish happy spirit was taken, and it left me a cold and indifferent, shattered soul that I was responsible for piecing back together.
When you should have been protecting me from the same evils, you were instead inflicting the worst imaginable, scarring, life-altering pain.
All I have to say is thank you for making me the strong person I am today. I can turn the other cheek... but YOU have to sleep with this guilt on your shoulders until the day you die. And I hope that it's at least half as painful as what I've endured, because you deserve it.
Some day, when you may have a little girl of your own, I pray that it pierces your heart to see what you ruined in another human being, and I pray she never fall victim to such injustice.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
the way you make my soul flow
til it feels like it drips
from my fingers and toes
hands and lips become pairs
with our eyes fixed in stares
and then they close
laying dark to our cares
and when we meet at the chest
we'll feel the beat in our breast
and how it grows louder
the closer we get
we'll give all to each other
and never no less
together we'll flow
in this state of carelessness
You've moved on or so You say
but My heart won't let You get away
or forget the pain
But I choose to remember the way
You smiled on that warm summer day
and all the love We made
back when You were my maid marion and I was
Your prince[insert name]
but since those days how many memories
have We gave away
chasing flames that didn't exist
the fire that exists in Our kiss
hoping to find in another what We simply missed
in each other
We became stuck like some beached lovers
seeking heat underneath strange covers
We were left cold dreaming of each other
this thought alone connecting Us past the bullshit of reality
almost as if LOVE actually is better than LOVE
because Ours wasn't built in a factory
long ago we lost the warranty, no guarantee
this love is patched up, homemade and
it was thrown away, cold, rediscovered and
and now its the cause to make My heart
even if its only a moment I cherish it because
that moment's golden
and I can't promise what tomorrow brings
just that I'll LOVE You till tomorrows cease.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I was married to a state of mind, based on what I thought my life should be. It was a 3 year comfort net that kept me. Which was neither here nor there. Faithfully I lived my life for the happiness one man brought. I can't begin to tell you the mistake that was. Not the relationship, but the loss of oneself to a relation-shit. I put aside my education, resigned from a promising job I would've been able to turn into a career, left my family, and my friends. To follow this mans pursuit of happiness, which took me far from where my life had been. I did all this so that I could build a life with someone I truly loved, and believed to be the most amazing soul I had ever encountered. Unfortunatly he was also someone who could never let go of his first love. I followed my heart though, so I have no regrets. Even if my biggest fear of being her stand in for those 3 years was realized the day she took over the home I built. Being in love is quite possibly the most fulfilling feeling in life. I am not so cynical to believe that I could never love again, but right now I feel so bruised, and broken. I feel I have nothing to offer the next man, I offered it all at one point to someone, and was rejected time and time again. How's that for a self-esteem boost? Having to realize that your best just wasn't good enough.
I drove myself straight to a place, where every street was paved with forgotten promises, every restaurant and store filled with loving memories of a not so forgotten past for me. I was able to see the snow covered trees, and sidewalks that warmed my heart every visit. As awkward as it wasn't, I realized as much as I would love to call it home again, it would never be. I spent a few days with friends, who reminded me that I am loved, and always welcomed back. Was introduced to new friends, one of which intrigued me. I even ran into my ex, and got to see his soul shine through, while he did something I've always believed he could excel in, and touch others with. But it was the glares from a certain individual that night, that forced me to look at what I was doing, and realize how selfish my return would be. I was going to make a run for it the next day and a text message stopped me. "I'm really glad you were there," was all he wrote. So I stayed for the time I had intended to.
Yesterday I endured the grueling 16 hour drive back to the location I get my mail, the place where I am surrounded on the daily by people that truly love me. Yet felt more alone then ever. Happiness for me comes at a price of hurting others, angering some, and forcing a certain individual to own up to his mistakes. All of which I believe is unfair, maybe even selfish. So I stay where I'm content, and can derive happiness from seeing the people that I love happy. Just a pointless venting session I had to get out, before my little body exploded.
I have a lofty goal set as far as my degree is concerned... and I think my problem comes in with my current situation. Having the necessity for the full time job which I currently have (due to debt I've foolishly accrued), I am forced to go to night classes which is proving to be a difficult and lengthy process. All at the same time I'm in a position where my hearts true desire to be a wife and mother is thwarting my career ambitions. I still want to graduate and attain my numerous degrees required for my desired vocation, however, my brain is saying... "why bother? If I'm going to be at home raising children, what's the point of spending my time, money, energy, and what is left of my early twenties on this education which may never be put to practical use?"
I haven't given up on my ambitions, by any means. However circumstances have set me back even further because of stupid college course scheduling. This just adds to the frustrations!!
And as time wears on the reality of marriage and children becomes more present and pressing.
I just needed to complain...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I somehow feel comforted by empty spaces in this unfamiliar situation. No clutter, no memories. It's new and open. The only things that surround me are things I want around me. Scarcely furnitured, simple yet elegant and sophisticated... you're exactly what I needed. Overwhelmed and honey mooned. With no blinds I can see clearly to the outside. This is life. The light pole outside cries icicles but I know it will feel better by spring. Thank you for continuing to shine anyways. Though I still desire, for the the first time I feel it is all unnecessary. Who knew it would only take hardwood floors? Inside you, I am inspired. Sleeping beside you, I am inspired.