Saturday, June 19, 2010

someone's knocking at the door

As I lie awake in bed... at 2am... on a Saturday... after not going out-my mind does a lot of wandering and stumbles upon some strange things.
So I'm here, thinking about this person who for the past 9 months of my life has become a much-needed friend and an outlet for my intellectual conversations that none of my other friends have the capacity to handle. In the meantime-I went and fell in love with him. But I can't seem to let my guard down. I'm so uptight and closed off when I'm with him that I'm quite positive he thinks I have zero interest in him (other than in a physical way-like making out in the car as if we were in high school-which is even more fun with highschool so far behind-something about being an adult and acting like a teen makes up for the adult shit we have to deal with daily) but anyway-I'm so guarded with him that I feel almost like he doesn't even know me. And the most insane part of this is... I JUST realized tonight, now, while lying in bed that the reason this 'friendship' is still just a friendship is because of me. For the past several months I've been thinking to myself "what's wrong with this dude? I'm obviously showing interest and he's just pussy-footing around the matter" WELP it's because I'm so intent on keeping my emotions on lock-down for fear of letting anyone get close to me again that he must think I've stashed him in the friend zone.

OK-so now that I've discovered this wonderful hidden fact that I have an extreme fear of emotional intimacy-I just need to figure out how to unburden myself of this armor and let him in a little... without appearing desparate...or crazy...or psycho. Gonna be more work than I thought-especially since this barrier runs thick.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Up In the Air

Don't know where to start this one. Which is funny because it really doesn't have a beginning or an end. Its always in the middle. I'm always smack dab in the middle of crisis and conflict but, never resolution. Just questions with no answers. I must hate stability. Even as I'm writing this, this is not the direction I wanted to go in when I sat down and put my hands to the keys. But away we go. Just finished watching "Up in the Air" and as most movies I tend to enjoy I am both contemplative and depressed. I think those two things are mutually exclusive. Enlightenment comes to those who stop looking for it. I spend so much time in the rear view mirror deciphering the road I just traveled that I forget where I am and whats ahead of me. Back to the point that I gleaned from "Up in the Air". What if kids don't save me? We(at least I hope its we and not just me)are looking for salvation from outside sources. Whether it be a job, institution, person, or geographical location. We are always waiting for something else to rescue us. I've tried geographical location and institution and they haven't worked, at least not in the long term. I may have felt different but given enough time I'm still me. The circumstances might change but my internal dialogue remains the same.(Side note I'm beginning to think I may not even be suitable for the workforce I have absolutely no drive, don't enjoy my job, and don't understand those that do) So basically I have this theory that I will wait for my kids to save me(considering I find a woman and settle down)This is the same thinking that I used when joining the Air Force. The Air force would change me and rescue me from myself(my internal dialogue tells me that left to my own devices I will self destruct)but it didn't so my last option for outside salvation is my own progeny. That's my last firewall- a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to try harder, a purpose even if temporary and invented is better than no purpose at all, at least thats what I tell myself. However what happens when that fades away or what if it has no effect on me at all. This is what worries me. At 27 I know who I am and that's the scary part because without some outside source I'm fucked. I know I dont have "IT" in me. Whatever "IT" is that makes people be successful, pushes them to push themselves, and makes them to function at a high level in society, I simply dont have. I dont know if I ever had it or I simply lost it but I am aware of it and truthfully it sucks. Hope used to get me by but I no longer have hope that it will ever be any different.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Reggie Watts

Keep it weird in introspect
Forget what you remember
Why is it always short May's and wicked long Decembers
So make it last while you can
Roll the credits while it fades to black
Hold the hand that holds you back
Move on and press rewind
Be bold but dont forget your lines
The truth is hidden in our eyes
So act it out for me
In your well rehearsed spontaniety
But dont expect me to recognize the (F)ACT.