Tuesday, November 6, 2012
with or without
As I take a step back and observe my life, here and now, i'm incredibly impressed by some of the people in my life, and by the lack of some I thought would be around forever... I know what happened and why they're not part of the picture, but I can't help reliving the extraction of each one. Gently reminding myself of the process of elimination. Most are painless, even a relief, some are anesthetized, and a select few leave me with a yearning in my chest and moist eyes. I know in the cases where the absence has left me dizzy, I know there was little or nothing I could have done. And had I done something, perhaps I wouldn't be here looking in on my life from a satisfied perch. I look back in particular at one love lost. From 13 to 18... My every thought was consumed by you. You crushed my naive illusion of love through email. I was angry. So angry. I couldn't imagine recovering from such a blow. Of course, I had our lives planned out together. I think that's what all teens in love do. We were Zack and Kelly, together forever... In my mind. I know why it ended, and now, nine years later I'm at a point where I'm obviously way over this, in reality I was over it fairly quickly thanks to many willing partners and experiencing lots of fun between the sheets, I actually moved on with rapid ease, I think my extreme anger and temporary hatred aided this. But, never once did I forget you... In fact, to this day we talk and laugh and carry on like the old friends we are. I tell you I love you, and you return the affection without hesitation. I tell you about the new love of my life, and with a slight tinge of jealousy and resentment you listen, and I can tell you are genuinely happy for me. You still ask me once in a while when we're going to be together, I just laugh, a little longingly, but mostly nostalgically thinking about how 14 years ago, we were going to be together forever. Your void has been filled by another. One that makes me feel even more naive and silly. Hoping for the together forever and happily every after. Maybe I'll get another email crushing those hopes yet again, but looking back, if history repeats itself, there will be another to restore those childish beliefs. And I'll look back and be grateful for the loss because the gain was so sweet. Or maybe, just maybe Zack and Kelly do make it... Only one way to find out.