Tuesday, October 27, 2009

love-fucked

How can I be his world, when he can't make my heart melt?
Is that a prerequisite for true love? That warm, tingly, numbing feeling in your heart? If it is, I'm very much not in love.
I'm lost, confused, scared...
Do I have feelings for someone else or is the grass just greener? How will I ever know?

Why is life and living so synonymous with love to the world? There's more to life than love, but why can't I live it?
I thought I was ready for the life he's pushing on me, but I see more each day that I'm far from ready and I may never be ready. Why put your heart into something with a 50% failure rate. If it were money I was investing, would I do it?? Nope, definitely not taking the 50/50 chance, so why with my heart and my life?

This writing is as confused as my head and my heart... shifty, scattered...

I know no one has the answers. I know I am the only one that knows what is in my heart.

I can't stand the idea of breaking his heart, but how ridiculous am I to just hold on because I'm afraid to hurt him. Yes, it's going to hurt me too, badly. Over a year and a half... he's the closest to me, he's my comfort when I'm sad or hurt, my punching bag when I'm angry. But it just doesn't feel right. I wish I could hate him. Loving someone makes it so much harder to tell them the truth. The simple sentence... I'm not in love with you anymore. It breaks my heart to say it, so I can only imagine what it will do to him.

I hate this feeling. Nothing is worse. I'd rather not wake up tomorrow then go through this. Fuck love.

2 comments:

willowchronicles said...

it's over... and i feel so relieved, but i feel so shitty...

I'm going to really really miss him, but i am not going to miss that feeling that it just wasn't right and it wasn't good for me and even though he won't admit it ever, it wasn't good for him either.

I love you... i care about you and this hurts me too...


a small positive note... i'll probably lose some excess weight over the break-up...

willowchronicles said...

I wrote this post... so many years ago it feels like. I have to laugh reading this because I don't miss him, never did miss him after I broke it off.
He was a soul-sucking idiot. I didn't love him... ever. It wasn't a matter of not being in love "anymore" it was a matter of never being in love because he was the worst possible person I could have ever spent almost two years with. Thank God that's all in the past and I've walked away with some dignity.