As I lie awake in bed... at 2am... on a Saturday... after not going out-my mind does a lot of wandering and stumbles upon some strange things.
So I'm here, thinking about this person who for the past 9 months of my life has become a much-needed friend and an outlet for my intellectual conversations that none of my other friends have the capacity to handle. In the meantime-I went and fell in love with him. But I can't seem to let my guard down. I'm so uptight and closed off when I'm with him that I'm quite positive he thinks I have zero interest in him (other than in a physical way-like making out in the car as if we were in high school-which is even more fun with highschool so far behind-something about being an adult and acting like a teen makes up for the adult shit we have to deal with daily) but anyway-I'm so guarded with him that I feel almost like he doesn't even know me. And the most insane part of this is... I JUST realized tonight, now, while lying in bed that the reason this 'friendship' is still just a friendship is because of me. For the past several months I've been thinking to myself "what's wrong with this dude? I'm obviously showing interest and he's just pussy-footing around the matter" WELP it's because I'm so intent on keeping my emotions on lock-down for fear of letting anyone get close to me again that he must think I've stashed him in the friend zone.
OK-so now that I've discovered this wonderful hidden fact that I have an extreme fear of emotional intimacy-I just need to figure out how to unburden myself of this armor and let him in a little... without appearing desparate...or crazy...or psycho. Gonna be more work than I thought-especially since this barrier runs thick.