Monday, June 7, 2010

Up In the Air

Don't know where to start this one. Which is funny because it really doesn't have a beginning or an end. Its always in the middle. I'm always smack dab in the middle of crisis and conflict but, never resolution. Just questions with no answers. I must hate stability. Even as I'm writing this, this is not the direction I wanted to go in when I sat down and put my hands to the keys. But away we go. Just finished watching "Up in the Air" and as most movies I tend to enjoy I am both contemplative and depressed. I think those two things are mutually exclusive. Enlightenment comes to those who stop looking for it. I spend so much time in the rear view mirror deciphering the road I just traveled that I forget where I am and whats ahead of me. Back to the point that I gleaned from "Up in the Air". What if kids don't save me? We(at least I hope its we and not just me)are looking for salvation from outside sources. Whether it be a job, institution, person, or geographical location. We are always waiting for something else to rescue us. I've tried geographical location and institution and they haven't worked, at least not in the long term. I may have felt different but given enough time I'm still me. The circumstances might change but my internal dialogue remains the same.(Side note I'm beginning to think I may not even be suitable for the workforce I have absolutely no drive, don't enjoy my job, and don't understand those that do) So basically I have this theory that I will wait for my kids to save me(considering I find a woman and settle down)This is the same thinking that I used when joining the Air Force. The Air force would change me and rescue me from myself(my internal dialogue tells me that left to my own devices I will self destruct)but it didn't so my last option for outside salvation is my own progeny. That's my last firewall- a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to try harder, a purpose even if temporary and invented is better than no purpose at all, at least thats what I tell myself. However what happens when that fades away or what if it has no effect on me at all. This is what worries me. At 27 I know who I am and that's the scary part because without some outside source I'm fucked. I know I dont have "IT" in me. Whatever "IT" is that makes people be successful, pushes them to push themselves, and makes them to function at a high level in society, I simply dont have. I dont know if I ever had it or I simply lost it but I am aware of it and truthfully it sucks. Hope used to get me by but I no longer have hope that it will ever be any different.

1 comment:

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