Tuesday, July 27, 2010

"waiting for my real life to begin"

This feeling of constant unrest... uncertainty about life and all It's little surprises and letdown... is really wearing me thin. And I sit and wait for something to change... for something to happen instead of making a change or make something happen. But I've grown so apathetic towards my life that I don't think I could make a change to it, even if I wanted to. Twice in the past 3 days I have discussed the same thing with 2 different friends, and not to my surprise at all, both conversations were identical. I asked an old friend "is this where you thought you'd be ten years ago?" And just last night another friend asked me the same thing. The answer was unanimously "no" none of us would have ever believed this is where we would be if you asked us 10 years ago.

There are too many options in life. How can we be expected to choose a career and commit ourselves to years of schooling only to obtain a degree and either hate the profession all together or not even be able to land a job in out area of expertise??? It seems asinine!! I can't justify spending the time, effort, and money on something that's likely to disappoint. I guess that's a piss poor Outlook on it all... but hey it's fuckin realistic.

So for now... I'll continue to smoke my cigarettes, listen to music that takes me back to a carefree time in my life, and just scrape by with my lousy paying job, and take my college classes one at a time until a degree in anything falls into my lap. Thank heavens for beer, pot, cigarettes, and equally disappointed, disgruntled, confused, and apathetic friends.


Evelyn said...

Life and its boufet ..all displayed out without direction it can drive a person nuts. Sometimes it will neve come what we expect but I do know that while one awaits for that something to change whatever it is we have to grab what tools we have in front of us and work with it. having some directions will always come with a change of rules.. Life has begun my friend how badly do you want to see it survive for what it is must come from your will power. Im no walk in the park I actually use to say I was one unique mess ... it is now that I found out I am brilliant I just needed to see. It started by loving myself and then everything falls into place. I won't say Im cure of my certain apathy but I'm living.
ttyl (evie)

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Maconda de vacaciones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maconda de vacaciones said...

When you start to have identical conversations, maybe you have to start considerating that's you who were speaking all this time. Begin to listen to the world is the most challenging thing i'm trying to learn right now.

I just don't know how you people say goodbye or give greetings in USA. So i finish my comment waving as we do here:

A big hug,