I have become the Idea I've always idolized. (This idea alone is crazy to me. That I could be for someone what I've always looked for. That I could let someone down from a position that I could never, ever in a million years occupy. I'm not here to rescue you I can't even save myself... but- maybe together we can create something beautiful. Our own perfect idea of utopia where we are simply as we are...perfectly imperfect)
I've looked at women as ideas, something to totally complete me. Something totally perfect, created inside my head to be my intellectual complement. They are always movie characters that I can feel and see and talk to. My very own personal Kate Winslet, Scarlett Johansson, Helena Bonham Carter, Natalie Portman. Its always the fucked up girl in the corner of the party that isn't going with the flow. With the mysterious eyes and a story to tell. Indie cred to boot and she knows all my favorite movies and all the bands I don't know I like yet. Yet she is human so human. My Natalie Portman has dirty fingernails and calloused feet. My Kate Winslet has a drug problem. My Helena Bonham Carter is just as scared of the world as I am. Me and my Scarlett share an affinity for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and are laughingly awkward. They are not ideas they are people and that's a damn shame. They let me down and pick up the pieces from the pedestals we put each other on. I am just as fucked up in all the ways I silently pray they aren't. But with each conversation, situation, missed phone call, and disappointment the make up fades and what is left is just as beautiful as everything I've ever thought it could be. To all of you and you know who you are I love you so very much and am so thankful to have you in my life exactly as you are. Thank you for inspiring me and letting me know it will always be OK.