Every day I am told I am beautiful.  Every single day of my life.   People compliment me on something random about myself on a daily basis.  I am constantly surrounded by people who love me,  at work AND at home.  I am very lucky for that. But how could you be surrounded by people who love you,  and still feel lonely?  How could I always get compliments and still never feel pretty?  I am sick of being alone.  I want confortable silence.  I want security.  I want someone I can FART ON.  I want someone who thinks I am prettier without makeup on.  I want someone who accepts all my faults/my past without holding it against me.  I want to remember what it's like to be in love.  To feel SOMETHING.

Every Time

I see your picture I'm taken back to four years ago when I decided to sleep with you that once. And to think I wasted years loving you when you were only a fantasy. I built you up into something incredible so that it couldn't be matched. And sometimes you knew it and told me that you couldn't be what I wanted. Other times you would say "is there anyone that can take you and do this in a day. I'm one of a kind." And so I was conflicted for years. Its funny to think that my ultimate wish for as long as I could remember was your undoing. Because you were, absolutely by far, the most horrible lay I've ever had and it's liberating. Liberating to know that even though all the hurt and the wanting was for nothing- I can move on. I can live my life and know that you were never meant to be my prince in some castle. My high school sweetheart realized and loved and warm and real. And it's made me stronger. Who I am today. You may have taken away my innocence (not sexually)- but through the mind fuck that was loving you. And you may have taken my naivete that love really isn't a fairy tale. But I tell you now that I'm a stronger person for it in the end. You'll always have a little piece of me. The first boy I loved and lost my heart too. But you won't have my hand in the end. Or my heart. Those I reserve for myself. And whom I choose to live with my life with. So Thank You. For being the worst person to fall in love with. Thank you for making me strong and who I am today.

Something about fear

It's something about fear, how it can interfere with the things you hold dear. You feel like everything is whole, and that youre finally in control, then doubt comes along and drills a hole. Now what was once intact, it isn't quite exact, what is fiction? what is fact? Who knows? Is the answer in their possession? I've come to find out, its inside the person with the question. Try not to feed it, you're only giving it help, no one should be a worst enemy to themself. Know that you are love, you were made from love, and feel that with not another thing above. Love for you will always keep you clear, and then it will be fear's turn to disappear

time waster, mind eraser

He mind raped me in ways I never thought possible. Your lies linger in the echos of my thoughts and I can't sleep. I feel sick, overwhelmed, weak. How do I recover from this manipulation? I gave her everything she needed to be strong and walk away, but it seems as though she took his bait again.  Months of nothing but secrets and lies and double lives. How does one person keep track of all the different stories? We laid in bed to go to sleep and he kissed the back of my head and held me close and said "Goodnight my baby".  then he got up in the morning and went to their new house to shower before work. Is this a lifetime movie? It can't be real, it didn't happen to me....

This place I'm in.

I'd rather die than live a lie. Why do we eat/ignore each others bullshit all the time. Is it because we care and think it would be rude. Or maybe it's because we don't care enough. Or better yet if you don't call me on my bullshit I won't call you on yours and we can all go on living our lives. Our beautifully, imperfect, unfulfilled, boring, plain, pedestrian lives. We are not bored by what we do do, but rather by what we don't do. I am full of shit. I say I want to help people yet I can't/won't help myself. I say your boring and yet I'm just as boring. I talk a lot and get pumped up for nothing. I live through words, art, movies and music, yet I myself just exist.... merely breathing. I have become everything I hate simply because I don't have the balls, ambition, or direction to be what I want. Who am I to expect out of you something I myself can't provide.Who the fuck do I think I am!!! I am the judgemental do-nothing prick that I've always hated. I act like I'm above you because I say I see the world differently. But, for what I have the eyes to see but not the feet to move. I'm sorry for every time I looked down on you and felt sorry for the way you lived your life. When in reality I just feel sorry for myself and I take it out on you because your available. I'm sorry and until I am who I can be and live how I should, I will never look down on you from my Ivory Tower of shame and regret.

93 days, 3 years time

It's easy to love when it's deserved.
But can you stand up when your backs against the rope?
With the whole crowd cheering, but they want you to choke?
Can you love without reason?
When it's not deserved but there's still hope?

Most people lack the courage to love, or are just plain scared.
Human nature is designed to be survival of the fittest,
to forge ahead with your best foot forward.
But love is the complete opposite. Love tells you to be vulnerable.
To let someone see you uninhibited, in all your weaknesses.
So I challenge everyone to love with all their heart.
To immerse themselves in someone else,
but to never lose sight of the things that make you whole.
Even if the love goes south to never regret one single moment spent.
Some people go their whole lives without experiencing love,
and they're no better off then those who have loved and lost.
Some people that experience it turn bitter and cold.
But I wouldn't trade the pain, if it meant I'd have to erase the memories.
Some people never realize that the time spent in love was enough.
My heart may be tattered and torn, but it holds true beauty.
For I have loved with all my heart, and I regret nothing.

I know I'm not the only one in the willowchronicles nurturing a broken heart, but there is a silver lining in every storm. There is always hope. Life has a funny way of working out what you swore couldn't. What's truly meant to be will always find it's way, as cliched at it may sound. Things need to happen in their own time, because if they don't they're made to be, and not meant to be...

Tired

I'm so absolutely exhausted of wasting my time on you. I have nothing left to give I'm numb, indifferent, apathetic and cold. If love is a decision then I choose not to love you anymore. I physically cannot do this. You are a waste of every tear, hour, poem, dream, jerk off, and blog I've ever done in your memory.I am slowly killing myself. I move through life like a zombie waiting on the impossible to happen. You have been replaced by others that don't satisfy. I watch porn hoping to get one tenth of the fire i used to feel. With every artificial orgasm i generate i curse your name and tell you how much i hate you. This is what my love has become. A maddening circus to try to recreate a feeling, a moment, a scene long long lost. I live through new memories we will never create. I give everything for 5 minutes of nothing, pointless conversation. I sacrifice meaningful connections to retain a sense of connection to you. For what? For what? I don't have the slightest clue. I am a stranger to myself. My heart feels like a rouge organ plotting to destroy the rest of my body. I cannot justify this love anymore than I can deny it. It is. It is. I don't understand it and that unfortunately is part of the appeal. I wish I could love someone else. I already know who you are too. But I can't, I'm infected with this heart disease. I need to get better. I need to live again. But, till then i will exist through broken promises and unfulfilled expectations.