Saturday, February 7, 2009

Tired

I'm so absolutely exhausted of wasting my time on you. I have nothing left to give I'm numb, indifferent, apathetic and cold. If love is a decision then I choose not to love you anymore. I physically cannot do this. You are a waste of every tear, hour, poem, dream, jerk off, and blog I've ever done in your memory.I am slowly killing myself. I move through life like a zombie waiting on the impossible to happen. You have been replaced by others that don't satisfy. I watch porn hoping to get one tenth of the fire i used to feel. With every artificial orgasm i generate i curse your name and tell you how much i hate you. This is what my love has become. A maddening circus to try to recreate a feeling, a moment, a scene long long lost. I live through new memories we will never create. I give everything for 5 minutes of nothing, pointless conversation. I sacrifice meaningful connections to retain a sense of connection to you. For what? For what? I don't have the slightest clue. I am a stranger to myself. My heart feels like a rouge organ plotting to destroy the rest of my body. I cannot justify this love anymore than I can deny it. It is. It is. I don't understand it and that unfortunately is part of the appeal. I wish I could love someone else. I already know who you are too. But I can't, I'm infected with this heart disease. I need to get better. I need to live again. But, till then i will exist through broken promises and unfulfilled expectations.

3 comments:

willowchronicles said...

I wish I could hold you and tell you it will all be ok and that some day you'll be whole again without the pain. But that first love has a way of really wedging itself deep inside, the best you can do is just turn the hate into just what you don't want it to be, a pleasant memory of what was. It has to feel good to know that if your heart was capable of such love once that it might be capable again. Love you

willowchronicles said...

It's time we both got some rest my friend...

willowchronicles said...

Thank you for being there. I'm so grateful for people that understand and stick by each other. I can't wait for the day when no longer do I have to write about lost love but new love. Or anything besides love. Is love the only thing that mattters in lfe? Can I feel whole by simply pleasing myself? I don't know.