Saturday, February 7, 2009
I'm so absolutely exhausted of wasting my time on you. I have nothing left to give I'm numb, indifferent, apathetic and cold. If love is a decision then I choose not to love you anymore. I physically cannot do this. You are a waste of every tear, hour, poem, dream, jerk off, and blog I've ever done in your memory.I am slowly killing myself. I move through life like a zombie waiting on the impossible to happen. You have been replaced by others that don't satisfy. I watch porn hoping to get one tenth of the fire i used to feel. With every artificial orgasm i generate i curse your name and tell you how much i hate you. This is what my love has become. A maddening circus to try to recreate a feeling, a moment, a scene long long lost. I live through new memories we will never create. I give everything for 5 minutes of nothing, pointless conversation. I sacrifice meaningful connections to retain a sense of connection to you. For what? For what? I don't have the slightest clue. I am a stranger to myself. My heart feels like a rouge organ plotting to destroy the rest of my body. I cannot justify this love anymore than I can deny it. It is. It is. I don't understand it and that unfortunately is part of the appeal. I wish I could love someone else. I already know who you are too. But I can't, I'm infected with this heart disease. I need to get better. I need to live again. But, till then i will exist through broken promises and unfulfilled expectations.