Sunday, August 16, 2009
How Long Do I
hold onto something even though I know it goes nowhere every time? When do I cut myself off? Can I? Addiction is a harsh word and yet its so appropriate. I can't even call you for fear of getting too connected and involved. "It's not my place" I tell myself and that you've made a choice for worse or for better. Yet I can't. quite. let. go. How can you cut someone off who is one of only a handful of people that you can spend hours talking to and feel as if only 5 min have gone by? Impossible. I know. I KNOW we could never be together. I don't even know if it would work. Don't even know if I want you in that way (sexual attraction aside). I feel we're too similar in some aspects- we'd drive each other crazy with our "what ifs" and generalizations about the world around us. We'd either talk each other to death or have way too much sex and get nothing done. I would be the epitome of satisfied around you. Like a cat with an endless supply of cream. And I wonder if that's even a bad thing- are you supposed to suffer a bit for the overall satisfaction of life? All I know is this: I just want, crave, need the connection we have. Because I don't have it with anyone else and why would I want to anyway. No one else makes me think the way you do; makes me wonder about things the way you do. How do you shut yourself off from that? I can't. Straight up. I'm an addict and I barely talk to you. I wonder what would happen if we ever spent more than a few hours in each others' company. Well. I know what would happen. Hence the reason we really can't or shouldn't. If nothing else remember this: I wish you the best of happiness in whatever you do. You're a muse in all things for me. I feel more connected to everything when I talk to you. So in that sense I love you for who you are and just hope that you don't lose yourself along the way. Because it would be a tragedy to leave the person you are now behind. No matter what happens remember that above all else. And when we're 80 and geriatric you'll be the first person I look for to tell about my life. Because we'd be pretty hilarious and even more long-winded by that time. I'm going to need you eventually. I hope you show up when I do. The ultimate redemption- thats what I would call it. You know why. And so, for now- continue texting.