Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Neither Here Nor There

I returned to the place where my mail is sent last night. Which would lead one to believe that I am home. Over the past week I've searched for my home though. Which explains me venturing through three states to a place I know my heart, along with my happiness has always been. Desperatly seeking to find some place of comfort, somewhere my soul could be at ease again.

I was married to a state of mind, based on what I thought my life should be. It was a 3 year comfort net that kept me. Which was neither here nor there. Faithfully I lived my life for the happiness one man brought. I can't begin to tell you the mistake that was. Not the relationship, but the loss of oneself to a relation-shit. I put aside my education, resigned from a promising job I would've been able to turn into a career, left my family, and my friends. To follow this mans pursuit of happiness, which took me far from where my life had been. I did all this so that I could build a life with someone I truly loved, and believed to be the most amazing soul I had ever encountered. Unfortunatly he was also someone who could never let go of his first love. I followed my heart though, so I have no regrets. Even if my biggest fear of being her stand in for those 3 years was realized the day she took over the home I built. Being in love is quite possibly the most fulfilling feeling in life. I am not so cynical to believe that I could never love again, but right now I feel so bruised, and broken. I feel I have nothing to offer the next man, I offered it all at one point to someone, and was rejected time and time again. How's that for a self-esteem boost? Having to realize that your best just wasn't good enough.

I drove myself straight to a place, where every street was paved with forgotten promises, every restaurant and store filled with loving memories of a not so forgotten past for me. I was able to see the snow covered trees, and sidewalks that warmed my heart every visit. As awkward as it wasn't, I realized as much as I would love to call it home again, it would never be. I spent a few days with friends, who reminded me that I am loved, and always welcomed back. Was introduced to new friends, one of which intrigued me. I even ran into my ex, and got to see his soul shine through, while he did something I've always believed he could excel in, and touch others with. But it was the glares from a certain individual that night, that forced me to look at what I was doing, and realize how selfish my return would be. I was going to make a run for it the next day and a text message stopped me. "I'm really glad you were there," was all he wrote. So I stayed for the time I had intended to.

Yesterday I endured the grueling 16 hour drive back to the location I get my mail, the place where I am surrounded on the daily by people that truly love me. Yet felt more alone then ever. Happiness for me comes at a price of hurting others, angering some, and forcing a certain individual to own up to his mistakes. All of which I believe is unfair, maybe even selfish. So I stay where I'm content, and can derive happiness from seeing the people that I love happy. Just a pointless venting session I had to get out, before my little body exploded.


willowchronicles said...

keep surrounding yourself daily with the people that love you... they're the only ones that really matter. every day gets a little better- just know there are people out there who care and who are willing to help you anyway they can.

willowchronicles said...

Your a beautiful person and you will find love again. As journey once said don't stop believing